Lost

Firstly, thanks for listening to my 100th episode...I can't believe I've reached this milestone and feel extremely grateful & blessed to all those who have stuck with me, listening and commenting about My life and not your own!

This episode is all about feeling 'mentally' lost in life, which is where I'm at right now.  

Try to enjoy as you lean in & listen....

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Transcript

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00:00:17

What's up, my beautiful people?

00:00:20

I am celebrating 100 episodes, published well after this one, you'll be hearing it and it's my 100th episode.

00:00:28

So I'm feeling pretty upbeat amidst the chaos about that. I started back in lockdown. That was the journey, and I've enjoyed it. I like sharing stuff. I like talking, and I've had such great feedback. As we said in question and answers, I think.

00:00:46

In one of my last episodes or so. So the question is, do I keep going? I think so, but let me get this episode underway and we'll take it from there. Episode is all about being lost.

00:00:58

I'm being brutally honest. It's one of those episodes where I do feel completely lost at the moment.

00:01:04

Yeah. What is the definition of that, I guess? And what's it really mean when you're feeling lost, you kind of feel disconnected from everything around you and you wonder at some point about what is the point of life. I haven't got to that point. I would say that.

00:01:20

And also what you do next, I think I'm at this crossroads and it can feel like life has no purpose.

00:01:26

Direction or any movement and I know why it is that's a good thing. But this feeling is really confusing, confusing and frustrating for me. And you don't know what to do with it sometimes.

00:01:40

I just don't feel like I'm living life to the full and I'm always telling people live each day like it's your last. You never know when your time's up and you know we're surrounded by so much crap at the moment in the world, heart taken, you know, every moment I feel.

00:01:57

I think someone's probably been murdered. Someone's just died. Someone's been diagnosed with something. So what have I got to complain about?

00:02:04

But we can't switch off our emotions, can we? We can't get off from that feeling. And I think mine is just not working how it should be. I had a pretty good 2024, but.

00:02:17

I know the triggers of why I'm feeling like this, even though I had a fantastic holiday in Thailand, it started before I went there. It really did start before I went, but I'm going to be OK, my beautiful people. I'm going to be OK because.

00:02:32

Work is a massive 1 and it makes me question this whole idea about.

00:02:36

People work to live, but they don't. People live to work. There are workaholics. I've got workaholic friends around me and I say you have to just take time out. Some of them have taken the good word for vice or have woken up to it because things have happened.

00:02:51

That they've just suddenly thought it can't all be about work and I just want to live excitedly and full and love everything I do. And I'm not in that space at the moment. I'm not in that space at all. The work scenario for 2024 was dismal. I think I've mentioned this already.

00:03:07

And it's now 2025 and it's still not that much better. So up until April last year. And I remember I went off to Croatia with the girls and I said to them when I come back, it's all about focusing on work, which I did have money in the bank. So it wasn't too bad. And I got on with it. And then there wasn't anything between April and September, however.

00:03:28

As a friend pointed out, you were then supporting someone through the death of their mother, which I did, and I had too much time to give, if I'm honest, way way, way too much time to give to this person and that is another trigger of where I'm at. Feeling lost now, I think.

00:03:47

My days were so full they were so beautiful. I had such a lovely time just supporting and hanging out, but also it was nice to have that break from work for a time.

00:03:57

But then when it got to September.

00:03:59

And I still hadn't really gotten it. Well, I had got something. I had this half a day, a week thing leading up to this event that I was running in September, but then it went dead again, and my friend, who I went to Thailand with said, look, I know I keep going on about work because I think she was going through a change in her workplace. And she said, I know you haven't got anything tea we can be.

00:04:19

You know, reserved with our money in Thailand. I said hell no. We've paid so much money for this holiday. Why would I want to do that? And so we went off, obviously, as you know.

00:04:30

That was in my travel lessons, I think in the last.

00:04:33

Episode. But when I think of where we're at now, it's resilience. It's getting me through, but I'm not smiling. I'm not smiling. My beautiful people. I am just getting through each day, doing the same routine, which helps right some people who are really lost.

00:04:49

There is nothing. I do have a routine because I'm not going to be one of these people that wakes up in the morning and it's 10:00. I haven't even got out of bed, can't be bothered to have a wash. No, no, no, no, no, that doesn't work for me.

00:05:00

For me, and I'm grateful that I'm able to do that because as I said a minute ago, there are some people that in a such a bad situation, mine is only for a time. I know it's kind of OK to feel this way because.

00:05:17

It's a it's a natural, emotional process that signals the time for change and the opportunity for growth. And it was interesting that whether you believe in this or not, I had a session with a spiritualist the other day.

00:05:31

And you know, some people say, oh, God, Taro cards and all this kind of stuff. No, it's with a spiritualist. And I've had a session with her before. And the amount of things that she said and brought out without prompt or me saying anything.

00:05:47

Were quite uncanny, so I had another session and all I'm going to say to you is that what came out was.

00:05:54

Tina, you seem lost at the moment. This without me saying anything? She said. Your energy is so low and I'm really struggling to to see what's going on.

00:06:05

And what she did say when I opened up my mind a little bit more and just thought positively so she could read me, as it were, she said. You're going to be OK with work. You really are going to be OK.

00:06:18

And I she sort of started pinpointing out loads of different things, but she said, I want you to stop working for other people. And I said, well, I do work for other people. You know, I'm a consultant freelancer in my field, and she said.

00:06:34

No, I want you to have your own property. Now. What she meant by that, you know, I said, for example, that I did some events for people. She said. What about your own event? What about something that you build and that money comes to you?

00:06:46

And I guess when you hear someone speak like that, you don't take it literally, you think about what is it that I can do for myself that I'll be proud of and to do that, you need to understand your passions, your interests, and what's going to get you out of bed in the morning.

00:07:03

Because sometimes you cannot see the wood for the trees, which basically means.

00:07:10

You're so focused on the small detail of a situation.

00:07:14

You don't understand the bigger picture, for example and and the overall context, right? So I'm focusing on, I haven't got work day-to-day and whatever. I'm not focusing on the growth and the opportunity that's awaiting me somewhere because funnily enough, I'm going to contradict myself.

00:07:32

So much through this because I do, I do know there's something bigger, but sometimes when there's no change, you know, like I'll go for days and.

00:07:42

There is no chat with anybody. I haven't had an e-mail from something to do at work or a headhunter, but more importantly, what's what's been lost at the moment. I'm not engaging with any friends, I'm not seeing anybody at all.

00:07:57

I've really just because I just feel that I'm going to be a ****** **** and whatever they say is going to not put me back, and I mean physically. I've spoken to people on the phone.

00:08:07

So I think why I'm really feeling like this, I've kind of said. And why do others go through the same thing and I'm going to give you some examples of why not just about me, but life changes. It could be a new house, it could be a new job and your routine gets disrupted. I don't think I've ever felt.

00:08:26

So deep when that's happened, I think it's more of a case of you fear the unknown or.

00:08:33

You know, when I moved house, it was just fantastic. I just. I loved living rough for a bit. Stuffing boxes didn't have anything. Was got excited about planning for my new house and stuff like that, but also setbacks.

00:08:47

Experience and experiencing a major setback, such as losing a job or not having a job or being diagnosed with health conditions. So let me rewind on that.

00:08:58

Experience a set back experiencing which I can barely say a set back and being diagnosed. So those two things happened to me last year, didn't they really? I haven't really had any proper work since April. I had a little bit of a flutter where I invoiced someone.

00:09:13

You know some money in September and then I got diagnosed with psychosis, which, which is an inflammatory rare disease last year as well as having an operation on my eye for the very rare Horner syndrome.

00:09:27

And also someone pointed out to me they say.

00:09:29

Said when you got your diagnosis for sarcoidosis. Tina, you were in and out of hospital every week having tests. So even if I had work, it would have been disrupted. It really would have been disrupted. But to counteract all that, I was hanging out with and supporting a friend whose mum had died. So it didn't feel like that. It's when you.

00:09:51

Own because that support, I'm not sure if it was appreciated, I really don't because it's come to a really weird ending, but anyway.

00:10:01

Other things, sorry I have to move on from that. Other things are, you know, why people may feel like this or me is disruptions to your routine? Well, it's it's disrupted my routine. A fixed routine helps promote stability, doesn't it? And gives you a sense of calm, comfort and confidence.

00:10:18

And if you haven't got that, you feel a bit lost and you struggle to find your footing. So probably one of the reasons why I'm not engaging or seeing friends as much because everybody, none of my friends, there's only two people, no one person that's retired.

00:10:32

And they still do work.

00:10:35

Sit on boards and things like that so they're still busy. So if I'm the only one who's got nothing to do and somebody says to me, OK?

00:10:44

Actually, Tina, I'm going to.

00:10:44

Off do you want to do this?

00:10:46

I almost feel like.

00:10:49

I don't want to do it. I don't I don't because I've got so much time. I've got so much choice that I don't want to do something. Oh, gosh, it's really hard to explain this, and I feel so grateful when that's happened. I did see a friend the other week and we went to a gallery.

00:11:03

And hung out. And it was really nice. And they treated me to lunch and but I have struggled to find my foot in. But what I have done is treated myself because I've reduced my expenditure massively and I've said actually, I'm not gonna go out and do anything until I get some work to replace because I'm really having to dig deep into reserves of money at the moment.

00:11:22

But one thing I have been doing is going to the cinema and watching a little flick on my own Cos I quite like that. You don't need anybody to do that. You just watch it in your own time. I've taken my little snacks and stuff, but I do feel amidst all of that that I'm disconnected with myself a little bit.

00:11:36

My wind is working overtime on things that don't really matter and I'm replaying **** from the past trying to have answers that I don't know the answers to, and I'm second guessing, which we shouldn't do and we should stay and look to the future.

00:11:51

But when you have idle hands, Oh my gosh, the worst things can happen, so I'm not.

00:11:56

Do that and for any of those friends that listen listening in that they know that I will put my phone on play mode and it will stay there all day because otherwise I can just look at phones and I really understand the influence and how dangerous social media can be when you're feeling that.

00:12:14

You look at other people's lives and just have this false sense of everything's cool. They're doing this, they're doing that. They've been out here and whatever, and it's not the case. It's not the case.

00:12:25

So whilst I've posted a few things like I will post this to say lean in and listen to my new podcast. I try not to then look through my feed and then most probably will come a time when I will come off social media even though I do find it quite resourceful.

00:12:41

Like I found this recipe the other day that I wanted, so I think it's everything in limitation, isn't it? With all of that, some of the symptoms the above and I'm telling you so that you may be aware when you're feeling a little bit down or lost, I think there's a bit of a difference.

00:12:57

Because the whole lost thing is about purpose and direction.

00:13:01

You feel very sensitive.

00:13:03

To stuff for the other day I was watching. Oh, my God, I love it. It's called the good doctor about an autistic Dr on Amazon Prime. Oh, my gosh. If you haven't watched it, you've got to watch it. And I just burst out crying in a few episodes. I mean, I'm on season 4 now and.

00:13:21

I wouldn't do that. I do get sensitive about real life things, which that is real life, but it is still a show.

00:13:26

If it's a real life documentary and it's maybe about cancer or something or end of life, or then I'm going to get teary. But I just started crying and then I was in the kitchen doing something and I started thinking of a situation that happened last year. I started crying so I'm feeling very weepy and over sensitive.

00:13:43

I've started withdrawing from friends in terms of engagement, so whereas I'm always, I'll answer a text pretty quickly or phone and have a good old chat. I'm not doing any of that. I'm not doing it and people have said, oh, we must, I must take you for lunch.

00:13:59

I'm not answering because I'm not. I don't want to do that right now. It's.

00:14:03

Like this other thing needs to be in place, whether it's work before I can do any of that and people may say that's very processy, that's very this has to be in its place before you go out and do anything. It's not about that. It's about how you feel inside.

00:14:19

And where you want to be, because I'm feeling frustrated and I'm feeling that I should have made better of a situation when I was really in a really gung ho moment to prepare for this day, which the the preparation that I have done is people would say is well, you've got money in the bank.

00:14:36

You've got money in the bank that's been out to keep you going.

00:14:39

So I should stop going through the motions from day-to-day, which I've started doing. But I do know my beautiful people that it's not all gloom and doom you me can turn things around by engaging in some coping strategies.

00:14:55

And I know and have identified what triggered the feeling of being lost the most, which has resulted in me reflecting on my needs and how my choices stroke environment are meeting those needs and if they're not, then I need to adjust.

00:15:10

The first thing is recognition. I'm very good at that. I will look inside myself. I will beat myself up.

00:15:17

But I will look inside myself. It's hard, but I am looking at this whole situation or this journey is an opportunity for growth, both personally professionally and emotionally, emotionally, massively, because the first situation that's probably triggered it is all based on emotion and.

00:15:37

It's not nice and it is personal and I've found it quite difficult to comprehend. I'm not angry. I'm not crying. I'm just disappointed.

00:15:47

And then professionally, is the work side and I'm making it a priority. I'm focusing on that. That's a coping mechanism I am focusing on that. So when I get up in the morning after meditation and exercise is always in there every day because that's my healthy go to, I'm all over it. The sites talking to people about work and reaching out.

00:16:08

Because I think my next opportunity is going to come through a networking opportunity, I believe I'm not 100% sure, but it may do. I've also realised that my healthy routine is everything from once I've released those endorphins from working out everything.

00:16:25

Is great like take today.

00:16:26

I'm recording this podcast episode for you and it was just like, OK, I'm now. I'm not cycling on my darling Live Today. That's the name of my bike because it's rainy, the weather's ****. This weather doesn't help January, February doesn't help, blah blah blah. How did we get to February so quickly? But.

00:16:42

It's taking care of yourself, so my daily workout is everything. I work out six days a week and I have a decent diet and I think.

00:16:50

Whole bike thing has been good to me too because I said when I got a road bike I moved from a road bike to the drop handle bars from a hybrid bike. I would go out a minimum of twice a week. Well, this week has been so rainy I've been out once, but I did a good distance but I realised that I want to find a group sport and it's going to be cycling so I want to find some girly buddies.

00:17:11

Bodies to go out with that, it becomes social. And I've actually made a point of putting this on my vision board so I can look at it every single day and know that's what I want. I'm distancing myself from unhealthy relationships now. When I say unhealthy.

00:17:26

I mean relationships that don't actually support what I'm about, and I've spent in the last week particularly evaluating lots of my relationships can't quite open. I talk about myself and and stuff not in an arrogant way or narcissistic way, but I will talk and open myself up quite.

00:17:46

And you know, other people have made me aware of some things in the relationship I have with them, how they felt, et cetera. And it's been a tough cookie to bear. I don't even think that's the right saying. Is it tough cookie to bear? I don't know what it is, but that's been tough.

00:18:01

So that just makes me withdraw even more to relook at myself, but I think it is a case of distancing myself and those that don't serve me well and have reservations about me.

00:18:11

And if they have, then that's the best thing to do. You don't need to be around me. You don't need to have anything to do with me, right? And and vice versa. And so up until now, I've only just sort of realised that again. No, not up until now. I've realised that before.

00:18:28

But again, I have to focus on healthy, supportive relationships.

00:18:31

Ships open communication and people that are going to be there for me regardless, you know and and like me for who I am. And yes, there will be some things that come out and I, you know, I have things that I say I'm quite direct sometimes.

00:18:46

And but I do wonder sometimes why I'm doing that with certain people? Because I wouldn't dare do it with other people. Does that make sense anyway? Basically, I'm not going to be in relationships that don't serve me well, and one of them was last year that did not serve me well. When I look at it now.

00:19:02

And there's another one that's lingering right now that I think.

00:19:05

Has to be kicked because this person, you know, was all excited talking to me a couple of nights ago and oh, I'm desperate to see you and da da da, da, da and then gone again. It's like. But you know what this person is like, it's unhealthy. And I think up until this point, when you are lost.

00:19:24

Do you begin to understand yourself? My main feeling is due to work as I said, and whilst I work for myself, I feel that I really need to be doing something for myself.

00:19:31

Itself. But then do I, you know, the spirit puts the spiritualist alluded to it, but do I?

00:19:39

But guess what? My beautiful people? I've got a dear friend who I trust and respect infinitely. I put her in a, you know, a category.

00:19:47

Then she gave me a hard talking to because she I come on the phone, she comes on the phone. She's one of the two people that I will speak to. There's only two people I'm really speaking to regularly. She came on the phone, gave me a hard talking to you because I came on the I started off the conversation.

00:20:03

How are you? Yeah, I'm alright. She just doesn't listen to that. It's almost like. OK, cool. So I was thinking about you with work, Tina and yadda yadda yadda and yadda yadda yadda and yadda yadda yadda yadda and I'm so grateful for her because that has resulted in when I said I feel like I'm in a mess. I don't know. I can't see with the wolf of the trees.

00:20:25

I'm getting older now, she said. I'm going to introduce you to some executive coaches now. I've had coaching before, but a long time ago, and guess what? I've got 3 chemistry calls lined up this week with the executive coaches to help me fathom maybe my passions. What do I do with all this stuff in my head? And where is it? I need to be. I'll have to do the work, but it'd be nice.

00:20:46

To, you know, facilitate that because society puts a huge pressure on us to do certain.

00:20:52

Things and I need to review everything and and think about what it is it's going to get me up in the in the morning. And funnily enough, I did have a really positive last Friday where I had an interview and it was with an agency and they were really great and I thought I could really work for these guys.

00:21:10

And and it made me feel fantastic when I came off and then I applied for this other job and I thought, I don't need to do anything else today on this Friday. I feel good. So I did that, and that was really cool. And then.

00:21:23

This friend who helped me.

00:21:26

Has really set me up for this week.

00:21:29

So this is going to be a short and sweet episode because it's my 100th 1 and I'm being honest it this is where this podcast started. My life, not yours talking very honestly, blah blah blah. But onwards and upwards and positively.

00:21:43

Not once have I stayed in bed moping all day or been moping all the time. I may have shed a tear or two, but I am present and I am working and I'm resilient.

00:21:54

I believe work in whatever form employed or continued consultancy is around the corner. I really do and it better because I want to book some holidays. That is a passion of mine that really is a passion of mine. Travel Spring is nearly here.

00:22:10

And I want to be out enjoying it with no inhibitions and with no obstacles. We need money to do stuff. Unfortunately, London is extremely expensive. So yes, there's a lot that you can do without money.

00:22:22

But I want to spend money as much as I want to earn it. I do know that I have a guardian Angel sitting out for me, and this came through the spiritualist. But I've had this before and I know I'm a spiritual person. I think before it ever goes to the point of no return, I'm lifted from the madness and.

00:22:38

I really do trust in that. I do need to protect my energy as I do give it out too much, seemingly to the wrong people who feed off of it and then drain me so that I have nothing left and I can't see for myself what I need to do for me. I want to embrace those and continue to embrace those who.

00:22:56

Unconditionally love and support me.

00:22:58

So I don't want to shut them out and when times are challenging, I need to be honest and say what's up. To be fair, those that are in my life and there's about, you know, four on one hand that are really close, they know what's going on. So they're given me that space, which is lovely, but they're still checking in and.

00:23:13

That's what I would do and I want to be honest and say what's going on, even if I'm not in the mood for speaking on the phone and I really do appreciate some of the most beautiful messages I've been getting in the last week because people are worried. But amidst all of that, let's not let's not forget, this is my.

00:23:29

Episode 100.

00:23:31

I'm extremely grateful.

00:23:33

That I started it during the pandemic and I'm still doing it to this day. So thank you. Remember, if you love this episode, please do tell people about it. Just send them a little link and see what they've got to say. But thank you so much and have a wonderful week. Whenever you listen to this.

00:23:50

Your week will start from when you listen to it, but I'm going to be OK, my beautiful people, and I'm out of here.