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My Life Not Yours

My podcast is about the intricacies of life be it told from a mature model who found fame at 55, the man who founded prison radio, a spoken word artist who suffered mental health challenges, a renown DJ who's life is a kaleidoscope of adventure and of course, my no nonsense life experiences. Wrapped around real talk with real people (including myself), I go deep and bare all and encourage others to do the same.

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My Life Not Yours

The Curse of Expectation

February 24, 2025 • Tina Jean • Episode 101

I thought I would address the 'curse of expectation' and how to manage expectations. These expectations happen when our hopes, standards, or assumptions about life, people, or outcomes lead to disappointment, stress, or frustration.

I talk about how common they are in relationships, careers, school and life in general.

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E101 - The curse of expectation

Transcript

What's up, my beautiful people? How's your week been? Well, I can say to you today it's Sunday. As I record this episode and I've just got back from a very windy bike ride. For those who know me, I've been getting into riding my bike.

At least twice a week and I went to bed last night, actually excited about a bike ride today, and I kept thinking about.

Other friends of mine who are far superior than me when it comes to peddling and had done 80 miles or so, whatever that is in kilometres, it's over 100K and.

There was a a weather forecast that was due for rain today and I actually felt quite anxious thinking I've got to go for my ride. I've got to go for my ride and I was really looking forward to it. And anyway the ride happened, which is great and.

I have made it home. I'm aching.

And the first thing I did was, you know, have a shower and stuff and I wanted to lie down and just chill out. But that's when cramp sets in and your **** body aches even more. So I thought, right, let me come do this podcast.

However, before I came to do this episode.

I did watch this disturbing documentary that I started last night quite late called. Is it missing Gabby Potito? So my learned listeners in America will know about this case, but Oh my God, it's on Netflix. And it's so disturbing about domestic violence. And it was a young girl that had gone on this.

Adventure. With this, I don't know this weirdo boyfriend and he just killed her. He killed her in one of those parks.

In Wyoming, I think anyway, it was just bizarre and I found myself hooked and it was it reminded me of that documentary of the American next door, something like that where.

Their their stories were all splattered over Facebook and that's how they knew this.

Man had killed his wife or something like that. It was bizarre anyway.

I digress, but I thought I'd just share that with you.

Not that you'll be remotely interested, but I want to talk about today the curse of expectation. But firstly, again, I'm just going to give thanks to those fab friends that I have encountered this week who have been really supportive because I thought about the curse of expectation. Because this job thing is no joke.

It's no joke, looking for work and trying to secure work when the market seems a little bit saturated.

And I'm going through this period where I can only speak to certain people in my friendship group, because there's certain things that will trigger me anyway. What I'm going to say is as an introduction to this is, why are some people more expectant than others rather than just?

Being mindful and living in the moment because that's what mindfulness is. Why is my level of expectation quite high?

And I know especially around the job stakes and it's even been around dare I say it quite a few things stakes. I. Holiday steaks, man steaks. You know, when somebody does a job, steaks or, you know, a restaurant is a big one for me. I always have high expectations.

And yet I get severely disappointed. So do we really know what expectation actually means? Well, according to Google, Wikipedia, Wikipedia, and everything else in between.

It's a belief or anticipation about what is likely to happen in the future.

You know, jobs, relationships, everything kind of.

And it's a mental prediction based on past experiences, knowledge and current circumstances. And I think that, you know, when you've had a good, what's the word I'm looking for?

When you've had a good, oh, my God, I can't think of the word people, but when you've experienced, when you've had a good experience or something, and then you maybe go back again, whether it's a restaurant, let's take a.

Or, you know, you go out one week. You go into this restaurant and it's fantastic or somebody's recommended you. A restaurant. Oh my God. It's really great. Tina da da da da da. You got to go. I go and I think, well, it wasn't all that at all. And it's funny because that happened yesterday.

Went out for a coffee and had this kind of sandwich and it was just not great. And when that happens, I won't go there again or I won't eat somewhere again.

So I really struggle to play down my own expectations, but how do you feel? How do you manage your expectations? And I think mine are overly high and therefore it leads to that disappointment or that flattening in your vibe.

And frustration. And at this particular time in my life it's it's stressful. So if I didn't do my kind of meditation and whatever Lord knows what I'd be like every day, all my exercise, you know, one of my friends picked up and.

Said Tina. Have you engaged with anybody this week? Have you seen anybody? Have you been on your bike? Have you exercised because she knows exercise above everything else, makes me feel good like today. I don't need to see anybody. I don't need to speak to anybody. In fact, my phone is on plane mode again, and I know it's starting to worry people.

But I have to just do it and just switch off social media because as we all know, social media is a curse in itself. Looking at other people's life, what they doing, and then my expectations start going through the roof again. So I just have to have to switch it off and I know.

Others are going through things.

Good and bad, but I wanted to address this whole thing about expectation. It's a really weird one. It's a weird topic and I have to really think about it, but it just popped into my head this week because they're present in everyday life.

Stalking us with allusions and pretensions, and we need to get our head around the mental pitfall of.

Expectations on what they represent, don't you think so? The main function of expectation is to prepare us for action, and I think that if we take that, my expectation of I've put an application in for a job, I expect.

To get a response, well, I probably won't get a response. Sometimes a lot of the times I haven't. So then my action is. I need to keep going and if we mentally anticipate what may happen, we can prepare an action plan so that life does not take us by surprise or.

In the case of the jobs I did.

Five job applications on Friday.

And for me, that was a good day because I wasn't sitting around doing anything, doing nothing, sorry. And I did that, but my expectation was very low about all of them. One of them I'd already applied to before the same company, but because I've revamped my CV, I'm thinking.

Will it be different? Because remember, it's an algorithm, it's it's a a system that tracks your applications first, so no one's going to know me at the moment. And I think when you're.

Expectations were unrealistic.

They trick you and I went through this with a job before, before Christmas, when I thought, you know, I was called back twice. And, you know, I was really excited. I was visualising it, and I had it on my vision board. I was talking to friends about it, which I ain't doing again. My people.

I'm not going to say anything. The only news I'm going to be giving to anybody close to me will be I've landed something. Thank gold for that. Yeah, it it it it. It was frustrating because you know our expectations really and truly are.

Like and then and then a compass. But the problem is when we expect something to happen, it doesn't happen. That's when the frustration kicks.

Tax in and we hold expectations by anticipating a certain outcome. Holding a vision in our mind of how things will play out. Having a set idea of what we want to or need from a situation. Now I know this sounds really funny, but when I went out on the bike ride this morning, I was anticipating that it would be a nice ride.

And I would do about 9 miles or whatever. I'm going out on these rides on my own and I'm really searching for some bike buddies now because I think it just it's not as though you're going to be chatting all the way when you're cycling, but I think it gives you.

It gives me a competitive edge as well to have someone cycle with. So I'm looking at that, but the outcome was it may start raining and I sort of had a vision in my mind of just cycling a shorter kind of route which didn't happen. So I was already expecting that.

And and having a set idea of what we want or need from a situation, well, I needed to just get my legs moving and get my exercising because I've only exercised 4 times this week and I usually do 6.

So it was different to what I expected because I did further than what I wanted to do. I did a totally different route and I felt good. I was tired, though. My legs. Realistically, I probably need to go out more than what I'm doing, but research has shown that.

That people are inept at predicting their how they feel in certain situations. Do you know that one study found that I find this really.

Interesting newlyweds estimated their happiness level would rise or stay the same over if they make it a four year period after tying the knot. Guess what? Reality is. The levels of happiness went down over that time. It didn't say why, but.

I can imagine why I think there is that warm, fuzzy feeling when you tie the knot, your love, and but I think the expectation of what marriage is and what it will bring is totally different to reality.

There you go. And I think we are surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy, which means our expectations might cause us to think.

That achieving certain goals will bring joy and contentment, but because these predictions are often wrong.

We pursue the wrong goals and so I think that's worth taking note of really in terms of what we expect. Then we got the, the these goals that lead us down a garden path and expectations.

Can really outpace reality?

Which means you're not appreciating what you do have and therefore expect more or compare what you have to what you don't. And I think this is where I really love the gratitude piece, because it's all about appreciating.

What we have and that has a positive effect on our well-being and happiness. So the next logical thing in this will be managing our expectations, right? Ask yourself what you're expecting from a situation.

So I think for me the situation at the moment where I'm applying for jobs, my expectation is I get a job, I've got to get work. It's as simple as that. And then you've got to look for the positives and what you already have. Well, I have experience, I have my skills, I have a good network, so.

I know out of all these people I'm talking to or putting something in the door or having a conversation that is positive because I've already got that and then I need to remind myself or you remind yourself that.

Media posts aren't always really.

Stick and I just said that, didn't I? This is why sometimes I just put my phone on. I just don't want to talk to anybody. But also, I know that I sit there and scroll if I'm relaxing and I don't want to do that. And I think the fourth thing is then don't feel.

Disappointed or, you know, don't beat yourself up. Sorry for feeling disappointed, and I do that. I used to, but I must admit I'm recovering.

Basically from from stuff and it's not just jobs, it's it's expectations about friendships, relationships, which is friendships as well. I guess. How you going to feel about, you know, going out, I mean sometimes in the past, for example, if I've been meeting up with a bunch of people.

And it's a hot, sunny day, and I think this is going to be wicked. And then it doesn't turn out because I'm because what I said in the beginning about past experiences, you know, I think about. But when we did this last summer and we did that, and we hung out all day, it was brilliant. And then might just be something's off and a great example for me was last year. I go to this festival called.

Which is jazz, funk and whatever else. It's just a beautiful festival. It's really peaceful. It's grown-ups just being nice, and me and my girls. There's ten of us have been for three years on the trot, but last year changed everything.

Our expectation was really high because we had such an amazing time the year before. We booked literally when the tickets came out, VIP tickets.

Kids booked our accommodation and so forth, and as it was approaching, I had a funny feeling about it that it wasn't going to be as great. I don't know if it was the lineup of artists or whatever it was, but it wasn't great. Our expectation was high, but it just wasn't great. I just didn't enjoy myself.

And I I didn't beat myself up, my friend, and I felt the same. We were sharing a place together. It rained the whole time. But we just said we're not doing this again. We're not paying our, but our expectation was high.

And I think you have to take responsibility for your decisions because expectations aren't facts. They're probabilities, right? And so that probability of, you know, the festival being great could have gone either way.

And if you want something to happen, you really have to take control, be proactive and take whatever steps are necessary. Don't wait on others, eg you know the networking and all this kind of stuff and the job hunting.

Because what I've done now.

Sorry, I've just flipped from a jazz funk festival to jobs again, but that seems to be the main flow of my life at the moment.

And hopefully you won't be hearing much about it afterwards. But I've enlisted a coach now that came about because I anticipated the situation and I spoke to a friend and she said, look, I've got a coach, an executive coach, that could probably do some pro bono work with you because she's just finished studying.

At this really posh Business School in in London and they need to get some, you know, experience in. So guess what? I've now appointed a coach.

And so that's really, really cool. And I'm opening myself back up to the outside world, IE up until two weeks ago, I wasn't seeing anybody and I started doing that because I know it does make me feel good. So I'm trying to get a.

Of those in every week.

Remember that expectations become glasses that prevent us seeing the wood from the trees by waiting for something we may miss other opportunities.

Now I'm not waiting for a job, I am going for a job and looking at all other opportunities surrounding it. Maybe I need to work hard with that. I have to admit, because I think that what's on my mind at the moment is volunteering for something that's a 'cause that's really close to my heart or something that interests me.

Or aligns with my values. Now check this out in the UK we've got loads of children's charity and because of my background I wanted to do some voluntary work in in that area there was this celebrity years ago that set up this.

Charity called Charlie.

Where children in distress or in danger could phone this line and get help. So I thought, oh God, this would be great. So I applied.

It's nearly six months training and I'm just like I want something now and the commitment you have to give and I get it right because you have to go through rigorous training, cancelling yourself and all this. I I totally get it. If you're going to try and help a child, you don't want any wishy washy person coming on the phone and giving the wrong information. I totally totally understand.

But guess what? My expectation was I could just rock into this volunteering Rd. Sorry. Roll with a couple of days training. It's six months. So there you go. Was I disappointed? A little. I was a bit deflated and just thought what? What happened to me? Sometimes I do that and then I just stop. I haven't looked for anything else and I need to pick myself up.

Find something else. And so I need to get on that this week. But there you go. The expectation was I would do a couple of days training, see if I would be accepted and I could start, but Nah, it wasn't. And that is the problem.

I'm not living in the moment. I'm living all the all the way down the line to say.

We need to control or I need to control that expectant mind by opening myself to more uncertainty because and and and and the course of life.

And basically get used to experiencing situations without trying to control and anticipate the result, and that was a perfect example of what I tried to do there. And I think what I also have to set myself up for the other week, I had an interview.

And I've been told by this recruiter that, oh, you're a wild card. So I went in there expecting just to have a little chat about myself. And and my background. But actually they were going against a job description except.

Culture now, when we got to the end of the interview, I felt the interview went really well. It was with the CEO and somebody else in the company. And when I reported back to the head hunter, he said, Oh yeah, that sounds very promising. And my expectation was I'd at least get called back for a second one.

And it wasn't even because my skills didn't match, it's because they were looking for someone who could bring more business into their into their business. Yeah, I was a little bit disappointed because I really like them as a company. I could see myself in there, but I quickly got over.

For it. So I think now for me, I'm just going to put applications in if I get an interview, great. But I'm just going to live for the moment. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But I have to keep going because I really do need to work. We need to use expectations to expand and stretch our minds rather than.

Seeing expectations as a tunnel that can only lead to one destination.

And you know, that was the gunko 1. And you know, it's for a permanent opportunity and really and truly, I need to be thinking about other non permanent opportunities if that makes sense. If we broaden our thinking by looking at possible options.

The not so savvy ones included you have the opportunity to discover new paths and embrace uncertainty, and this will free you or me from the pain caused by things that don't go to plan. So I've opened myself up to permanent contract short hits. One piece of work.

Of stuff and I'm trying. I'm really trying not to make comparisons, especially when it comes to social media and seeing how people are getting on and and and the big one for business is LinkedIn and that can screw your mind over what you read because really and truly, what you sometimes see isn't necessarily.

IE what others are living.

Yeah. And sometimes there are some people you feel it's very authentic what they've written or posted and others you think.

OK, they're just posting to get some eyeballs. One thing I need to do, and probably yourselves, and we don't because we just go through life every day and so forth. I keep going back to somebody I met a long time ago and networking do has become a friend.

She started off a business during lockdown and I see her living her best life. She's out now catering on a ski and yoga retreat, and I just think. I just feel so proud of her and I know she'll listen to this and probably and probably say to me. Oh, Tina, thanks for giving me a call out again. But consider what really makes you happy. And I think this is she came from the corporate world. And I think this is really making her happy.

And I don't know if she had expectations about her business because people get expectations confused with goals, right, and that's different, but I'd really love to hear what her goals were for her business, because what lockdown was? That's when she started it, 2020. And here we are five years later.

So I'm going to have to ask her, I think, consider what really makes you happy. You may be overestimating how happy you would be once you have what you think you want, but that happiness can be short lived.

Yeah, that happiness can be short lived, and I think there's an example here for me that.

I can be a quick please type of person that sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?

I'm going to keep this clean and I've got my new car. It was in 2023. I couldn't wait to drive down to the it's an Audi. Couldn't wait to drive down to the Audi showroom. And I think Audi's customer service at my particular place is, excuse me.

Fantastic. And when I went there, I remember walking into the.

Reception and there was a woman standing there. She's oh, my God. I've been waiting for ages. What's taking them so long? And I said I remember the days when you're waiting for your new car keys to get a bottle of champagne from ALDI and be told, you know, it won't be long now. And we waited for ages. But unbeknownst to me, there must have been a salesperson listening to this conversation. Because next thing you know.

Both a bottle of champagne and that calm just well, that just took the level of, oh, my God, we're waiting here for so long. I haven't got all day kind of things. So we sat down.

When they unveiled my car, they do this whole ribbon thing cutting and pull it, pulling it off on my private plate was on the car and whatever, and I was so excited. I was so excited that when I drove the car home I was too scared to even go into a different gig because I thought, Oh my God, what if I'm always like that in a new car? A week went by.

I washed it, kept it clean and then that was it. It was short lived. That was it. I've got the new car and that was it.

So if you savour what you have, you can enjoy life more. I mean, I get into that car and I savour it and I'll change it again next year and so forth, because that's the kind of deal I've got on it. But if we save it, sorry if we enjoyed life much more. If you appreciate what you already have.

It things will be so much better and that expectation is lowered and I'll tell you another time when that happened, it was during COVID because there were people dying. You were restricted where you could go, move and do.

And do restrict what you can do, yeah. Restrict to what you could do. So you had to appreciate what you already have because there's no point buying more clothes. You couldn't go anywhere. Even the car thing was a little bit. My car sat on its drive. I was walking everywhere and I appreciated all the lovely things I did already have and I thought.

You know what, Tina? You need to minimise **** and get rid of stuff, as everybody did. I think people have made to clear out. But you see how society.

Just bring stuff coming back. Everybody's gone back to normal. People are still buying loads and you know the way they talked about ******* COVID at the time you think and and also more recently, the cost of living in in London particularly, which is really sky high, people haven't got any money, they've got money.

I'm seeing there's the restaurants packed, the shops packed and whatever because they only talk about a certain demographic that are not living their best life and have the monies and the means to do so, right? So the expectation is a whole different ball game. But I think we need to practise.

Emotional acceptance.

We can't beat ourselves up and accept, and we need to accept sorry that the emotions that curse through our veins are just there and we just have to accept them like jealousy, like disappointment. And I find that sometimes you can beat yourself up so much. And there was another disappointing thing that happened to me last year and it took me quite a long time to get over it because I was so disappointed.

And yet there was also one of my male friends I spoke to at length on Saturday, and I could hear the level of disappointment. And he's in therapy now, and it's just I think he's accepted his emotions as I did. And you.

Have to move on or.

Well, you know, that's such a flippant statement, isn't it? Just move on. What you have to do is don't beat yourself up. And it's not your fault. And he said to me, Tina, it wasn't about you. It was about that person. And I felt so much better. So thank you. Thank you for that, friend that spoke to me yesterday. You're lucky I picked up the phone. I thought it wasn't on flight mode. And we also need to focus.

When you feel frustrated with yourself of failing to meet unrealistic goals.

Take a closer look at the things you have achieved. So back to the job. I know it's boring, but I've had an interesting work life and it's only now in the last year that it's become a bit ****. So I am going to try and focus on the things that I have achieved and I am resilient and I do believe things will get better.

So I'm revisiting those past accomplishments and that's helping me keep things into perspective. And I know it's got to change because I can't live off thin air forever, but even this podcast.

Compared to other podcasts out there, this is small fry and the number of listeners I may have is small fry compared to others, but I keep reminding myself how I came about doing it and how did I get to this point where I'm editing adding the music I prep, et cetera.

And it gives me pleasure and my.

Posse of people.

Are always so positive about it, and for those who listened right at the beginning, if you haven't listened before, you will hear a very sweary type podcast.

And one of my friends had said to me, I love your podcast, but can you lose the swearing? And I did, you know, a podcast isn't for everybody. I particularly like listening to podcasts. When I go out on a walk. And I think I can't wait to listen to that episode, I very rarely listen to a podcast in my house. Isn't that weird? Like, I won't put it on my speaker and.

Lie there and listen to a podcast. But when I walk and stuff.

Because I want my mind to be free and.

But I've got one of my podcast listeners. He listens to me in the bath, which is a bit weird, but he loves it. He said. I just, I'm in the bath, relaxing. I love your voice and I just press play and there you are when you sit.

An expectation or when you're expecting something, ask yourself this.

Have control over the situation. Let's just say my jobs. I don't. It's in the it's in the hands of someone else and I think for more realistic, achievable, achievable outcomes you need to try and keep a focus on the areas that you can control.

I did. I do a good CV. Did I put it together? Have I prepped well? Have I asked all the questions and found all the answers that I possibly can to get me through an interview or or or present a great job application. I have to know my limit.

Even with the best intentions.

And the willingness to put in a class effort, I may not find it possible to improve every situation on me, every expectation.

And if I do fail to meet an expectation, I have to acknowledge I did my best and offer myself compassion instead of blame. And I'm slowly getting to that now. I just have to keep going, my beautiful people. So look, here's a few examples of other expectations. Life expectations.

School exams peer and parental.

Pressure and expectation on your grades. And I remember when I was taking my GCSE they were then called O levels. I had 10 and the expectation was insane and these poor kids that go through this all the time and the parents.

If they're of a certain mindset, will expect you to get well. You should have got an A. Well, why didn't you get that? And it's incredible pressure and I think my biggest one was at school with the expectation and and and I'm going to just.

Cash pressure was insane. I was already competing for my country at the age of 16 for netball and athletes.

Politics. So when it came to school Sports Day, now the expectation was Tina would do everything and she's going to win it for her house because I was in the house called Gandy. There was Gandy, Scott, Kennedy, and Churchill.

Answers on a postcard or what they represent please and.

I was expected to do long term the four by 100 relay the 100 and the 200 and you know one year because I was so stubborn. I just put my foot down.

And I thought I'm not doing it and justice like the O levels and GCSEs. I went to a really posh grammar school. Now you won't know what that is if you live outside of the UK, but it's kind of these established schools where I don't know, not where posh people go, but.

The teaching is robust, people always excel.

I wasn't one of them because I just. I rebelled against the whole ******* law and then I did it later on. Yeah, maybe. I hate being told what to do and then relationships. This is all part of life expectations supporting and loving significant others.

Expectation to be a friend, lover, confident and everything else in between, especially if you get a partner and you expect them to be your friend, their lover and confident they can't be everything. But some people do go in there and say, oh, it's my I want my best friend, I want my confident, I want my lover.

You know, that's for, you know, an intimate relationship, etcetera.

And then there's other, you know, friendships which are relationships as well. And what I've done now is I used to expect certain things from friends and get sorely disappointed and probably some people listen to this and say, yeah, and you really ****** that up with some people, didn't you? Yes, I did. And I'm owning that. I really did.

And I know it's the curse of my background, and I messed up, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Et cetera. But now you see I'm just going to walk away from stuff that doesn't suit me or suit that person anymore. And also, you know, I gave, I was with a friend yesterday, one of my closest dearest friends who just is supportive no matter what, will tell me how it is.

Still wrap their arm around me and and I don't feel.

Away. And I I was really teary yesterday and I said to her, you have been there for me through thick and thin. But more importantly, when I'm with you and in your presence, your energy just ignites me. So that was nice. And that also happened with another friend on Thursday too. I don't see her that often. She's got the most beautiful family. She listens to this podcast.

Amazing everything and I just want to say to her.

You know, you sat and listened to a very intense conversation, and when I walked away from that conversation with you, I just felt a piece. I felt at peace. So thank you. You know who you are because you saw me yesterday when I had to drop something off as well and careers. Well, that's a whole thing we've talked about in terms of life expectations.

Whether it includes promotions.

Salary raises and you know what happened with me were gung ho and my level of expectation there. Gun. Hoe being the company that I interviewed with and then personal part of life expectations.

You fit in a certain way, having done something eg my expectation was through the roof of Thailand, but because of some events that happened before and then coming back to no work, I felt **** afterwards. I'm not gonna lie, it was brilliant.

But I know what I'm usually feeling when I've been on holiday and I'm just waxing lyrical for months and months afterwards and I haven't done that. But listen, I'm going to finish this on on on.

This point our expectations life expectations may be unrealistic and skewed based on what we think others have or what we've thought about in the past or what we've experienced. Remember that our perspective of others is limited in bias, but also it could be biassed of ourselves and by that I mean we set these expectations.

Some of the points I've already mentioned check yourself if you have control over the situation. Is it realistic?

Do you just live for that moment and just go for it? You know, I've got on the bike. It's windy. It's this. I just went for it and I was peddling quite slow today, but I enjoyed it. I got out in the elements and and and here we are. So my expectation is that you're going to love this podcast.

You're going to tell your friends about it. You're going to subscribe if you haven't subscribed already, and you're going to write me a review or rate it. That would be nice 'cause that would get me higher up in the charts 'cause I'm not even featured in them because there's so many.

Celebrities doing these podcasts and get amazing guests.

But I am lining up some interesting guests and I think if I can get one sorted, it's going to be a very interesting one that is going to impact all our lives. So please rate review, give me a little hug virtually and hopefully you'll TuneIn again until next time take.

Good care of yourself?