Mothers & Daughters

My relationship hasn't been easy with my mother and am sure there are countless others that experience challenges. My mum was the tender age of 16 yo as a black woman in the 60s and the shame & overwhelming responsibility led to me being handed over to the authourities. 

In this episode, I talk honestly how I believe my relationship with my mother is about to turn a corner.

Enjoy x 

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Transcript

 E88 - mothers and daughters

00:00

Hello

00:16

my beautiful people. I'm gonna start with a little bit of a rant. Because in the UK right now we are having some shocking weather, one day is absolutely pissing down. And then another day, we might get a glimmer of sunshine. And I went to a festival last weekend. And on that day, it wasn't too bad, there was a bit of rain, and it was starting to get really baggy. Then next day, there was another festival in the same place. People was flipping on the backside. And the local council have had to close that part down, because it's now a hazard. But my point for telling you this is that weather is shite, I really don't think I can live out my final days of my life, whenever that may be in this country. Anyway. There's a warning on this episode, because it's probably going to be short and sweet. But this one is entitled mothers and daughters. And the reason why I was inspired to write this because I had a 90 minute or rather 70 minute conversation with my mum, which is probably no it's longer than that at least another 10 minutes long, because it all counts is probably the longest conversation I've had with my mum in years. And I guess the intro and segue to that conversation was my granddad died while I was at this festival on the 27th of May. And she lives in Canada, she'd had COVID She started to get dementia, dimension, dementia, dementia, dementia, dementia, and things started falling down hill. However, the grin wasn't the grin that people think of nice fluffy white, where she should lovely her. But there was a lot of controversy in our family. And I've spoken quite a bit about it. So I'm going to rehash it right now. The history hasn't been good. And in a nutshell, my mum had me at 16 years old, and her mum was also pregnant. So picture that in a family where your mother and your daughter, sorry, the mother and the daughter are both pregnant at the same time. But this was in the 60s, because I'm sure there are some cases of it now, I bloody hope not. But you know, back then, it was shameful. And my gran supposedly had said to my mum, either abort that baby or you get out of my house. So my mum left. And that's why I ended up in the care system from the age of six weeks to 16 years old. So that's just a recap, because those of you who've been on this journey with me will know my beginnings. So the conversation the other day following my uncle, who is the same age as me, messaging me from Canada to say, grands grands just passed, or his mum has just passed a couple of hours ago. I'm not sure if your mum knows, but perhaps you can let her know. She was comfortable at peace and so forth. Now, a lot of other people may, you know, have been hugely upset and cried and whatever. But obviously, my family is very fractured. So My instant reaction was to show my friends the message. And actually this particular friend I was with I don't think she knows the whole ins and outs, not like a couple of other friends. So she said, Oh, are you okay? And I said, I'm absolutely fine. But I think I better message my mum. So I message my mum. And she came back and said no, she didn't know. Can she call me later? Because she's in the middle of something. And I thought, what was she doing now? Anyway, it so happens, I found out the next day that she was dealing with another death of somebody in her church. So let's just park that for now. When I got home that night, I was doing some late night texting to Canada, just to sort of find out how Graham was and she had been going downhill but she had all her loved ones with her, which was her son, who's the youngest sibling, because then there's a massive gap between 50 something and then up to sort of 70 I think the next person must know not 76 meets mid 60s. So he always felt like the odd one out because my grandma had him extremely late, extremely late because she was 95 when he died. And he's 5455 Yeah, so you can imagine that And the other sad thing that when my uncle had sent me this message is that my uncle's dad or my grandpa's husband is in hospital as well. And they hadn't told him that she passed. Because obviously, if you do that, and someone else isn't, well, that could have a massive shock to the system. And I'm not still not quite sure how bad he is. But I've heard sense that he may have to go into a home or care or something like that. So as I said, the title of this is mothers and daughters. Because I think really, it's it's a bit broader than that. It's family, isn't it? Because I think of my mum and me, we don't really have a relationship. There's all this unspoken stuff. And there's three other siblings. I have a brother who died years ago, from an ecstasy, pill overdose. And then there is another sister who was adopted not far from where I was fostered many moons ago, she has no contact with a family now. And then the youngest one who's probably in her 40s, I can't even remember who their ages. She is actually I've always believed my mom's favourite. And she lived with my mum from day one, as did my brother to the two eldest, which is me and the other sister Lisa didn't. But I think my mum has always struggled with relationships pretty much with all of us because no one taught her to be a mother. And she had four children and didn't really know what was going on. So the day after that night, when I was messaging backwards and forwards to my uncle, my mum was also messaging me and she said, Well, what are you doing up so late? I said, Well, we just got back in from a festival, and blah, blah, blah. I said, Look at bees, if it's easier, why don't we have a chat tomorrow. So the next day came, and I was out again, because it's been a bank holiday weekend in the UK, whereby we have the Monday off, we get quite a few of those here. And I'm only doing this for my American counterparts that listen, because we do get quite a few bank holidays, probably not as many as you but then on average, people who work for an organisation get, you know, 25 days leave a year. And so I was out with my friends next day, because a friend has stayed over. And I completely forgot about finding my mum. She messaged me later on that evening to say, I'm not sure if I was supposed to be calling you or you were calling me. Now, when you think any normal situation, just pick up the bloody phone. But you see, it's not like that of me and my mum, I haven't spoken to my mum, or texted her since probably February this year. Now, if you remember as well, two years ago, my mum got cancer, she had breast cancer, she had the breast off. I have not seen her I would say probably for four years. So because she made a very weird comment to me that no one really has come around the house, and she's not ready to receive visitors yet. So that really put a spanner in the works for me to be seen as a visitor and someone who's almost a complete stranger. So consequently, I haven't really seen her. And it's just the kind of, if she comes into my head, I message her. That's how it is. And I do that with other people as well. Because I believe now your life is not guaranteed. And the reason why I'm just about to say that is yesterday, there was a shooting in one of our neighbourhoods. And it was some I don't know if they were innocent people, but they got shot at eating at a restaurant outside. One was mind two were injured. Did they go out thinking they may not come home that night or come with a gunshot wound in them? And I know it happens in America all the time. But I'm just saying that tomorrow is not guaranteed. So if I'm thinking of somebody, then I damn well phone them or message them and say how are you? And if I get another feeling? Something's not right. I do it again. And I did reach out to somebody else the other day who hasn't come back to me. I think they're either going through a tough time or just don't want to speak to me. But hey, ho and I will still reach out to people. So anyway, I'm waffling. So I message back to my mom and I say no, I was a bit tired and I'm waiting to speak to our uncle in America or my uncle her brother. So I said I'll give you a ring as soon as I've done that I'll speak to him now the next morning. She came back to me and said something like Oh, thank you so much for keeping in touch and keeping us updated me and Shanta were trying to reach some other members. Chantal remembers my youngest sister doesn't live my mum she lives on her own, but close to my mum. They've been trying to get hold of people in Canada. Well, my my granddad's in hospital, my uncle doesn't really know. My mum or my mum's other daughter Chantal really to have any chat with them. That's how fractured my family is. It's just bizarre. So she starts messaging me backwards and forwards and I said, Shall I just call you? This is what prompted me to to write, sorry to do this podcast episode, so I found my mum, it was an emotional 80 minute chat, and it was 80 minutes cuz I've written it down.

10:11

Here's a few things I learned about mother and daughter and the art of conversation. Listening is a key key skill. And the reason why I say that sometimes when my mother and I have had conversations, I've just like rolling my eyes, she can't see it, I'm rolling my eyes to the roof. I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, I'm doing the kind of hand together, yada yada yada chat, chat, chat, Lotus shit. But this time, I really listened because I was compassionate. And I empathised because it was really evident that my mum doesn't know how to have a relationship with me. But she wants to, she said a couple of things to me. And some of it was in the past. Some of its from the beginning. Like, for example, last year, the reason why I've got no relationship with my younger sister either, because she thinks I'm too good for them. I am, I am people. And so that's put a barrier up. And I've got my reasons why I'm not too good for them. I'm not too good for anybody. Right. But I have certain levels of standard, I guess, if that's the word that I think people should just do and that anyway, so my mum, I said to that I said to her, you know, look, there's been something said, and I said, one of the things that hurts me the most is it you still see me as I don't know, a stranger in one breath. And yet, you're telling me today that I'm the only one you can really talk to you now my mum's in the church. And what's happened since she's had this cancer, she has lost a lot of weight, apparently, because when I said to her, I'm going to do a car boot, or a yard sale on Sunday said, oh, please hold some clothes back for me. I've lost weight, or buy them off. And I said, we don't need to do that. They're either gonna go to the charity shop, or I'm going to sell them. But you know, I'd said to her, I'd have a look at some of the clothes I've got. And she said that then she was talking about I find it really interesting that she said, I'm the only one you know, she can speak to. And I think my mum is very private. And this was part of the problem. I think when I was born, when she went to confront the man who was supposedly the father, he must have had his wife or something members, she's 16. You know, he must have had his wife or girlfriend in the background and said to her, it's not mine. And she just walked away. No argument, no, questioning nothing, no challenge. And that's my mum. Right? She won't challenge the thing. So she just takes it as whatever. So for example, when she got the cancer, and I said to her, you should take somebody with you, because I knew it wasn't going to be me. You should take somebody with you. Because we don't always hear what's been said to us. And she didn't because she didn't want people to know. And she didn't want the help and support. And one other bizarre thing came out, which was, you know, if you tell people about cancer, Tina, they seem to think is your fault. And I said, Where did you get that from? The See, I don't know if this has come from our church friends or what but you see, this is where I have issues with sometimes the big old house of God. But apparently she feels that you know, some people think that you bring it upon yourself. And this is why she doesn't tell people. So people know she's sick because she's lost weight. She wears gloves on her hands because she's got lymphedema, which is where the circulation goes, and your hands go puffy. There's water retention, rara yada yada yada, so it's all a bit sad, and she's lost taste in her mouth. That's from the chemotherapy, so she doesn't really cook anymore. A lot of food makes me feel sick. Wait, no, it's not her. That's somebody else. But she's got intolerances to so many foods now. It's unbelievable. So, you know, one thing I will say about the big C, it's all very well when people shout about being in remission, but it's the shit they put in your body to get rid of it. I mean, yeah. And my mom's was 7073, something like that. So she's still quite a young mom. So we're talking so she said this, and I thought, but you never want to talk to me. And she said, You know, I often think about why and I reached out to Tina, I need to do it. And then she just, it goes past her. It just passes and then she pray for me and stuff like that. But the biggest thing people that I'm gonna say here is that for once I didn't think oh God, here we go again. I just listened to her. I really listened to her. And I said the past month is finally the past. And I challenged the whole thing about me not coming to this new flat that she's moved into. I said I'm not going to judge you. I'm not going to because my mum hoard stuff, right? So the last time I went to her old place, I said what are you doing all this shit in here? Because that is a sign of it's not an illness is it but there's something wrong when you start holding, you know, all the programmes about it. There's something deep rooted when you can't let go of stuff. Anyway, I would not do that. Now. You see, I said to her look, man I actually felt quite touched. And I said, I will just come pick you up, we can go and have a coffee somewhere. I don't have to look around your house. But I do feel a bit of a way that you're saying I, you know, you're not having anybody else. They're the only people have been there as my other sister and her kids. I just said, it just just doesn't sit right with me, you know, because it's just like you, you're expecting that I want everything to be perfect when I walk into your home. So anyway, I left her lingering on that one. But the other shocker was so my beautiful people, you've already heard about the operation I have before Christmas, I've got another one coming up, which is my Horner syndrome, which is where the nerve in my left eye is not working because it's blocked. So that's the nerve that lifts the eyelid. And the hornos syndrome means that in my left eye, it's slightly droopy, and I hate it. So I'm going to get that nip and tuck, it also means I can't sweat on the left side, and I get very blocked up on my left side. But there's nothing we can do about that until either the nerve corrects itself, it may never do but I'm gonna do something you know aesthetically about my eyelid which looks very droopy sometimes. And so I'd say to her, I'm really nervous about going in for this little nip and tuck on the 28th of June. I said I can't even stand people putting their contact lenses in. And you know, my mom turned around and said, she said, I will come with you, Tina. And you know what my people that broke my heart a little bit. And I probably wouldn't take her I probably rather go on my own because it would just feel uncomfortable me being vulnerable, around my mum, if I'm absolutely honest, and they are going to heavily sedate me. So if I have to go on my own, because it's a Friday morning, so a lot of friends can't make it. But if there's any friend listening who is free on the 28th of June, I need to be at the hospital at stupid o'clock in the morning. But the procedure will be only 20 minutes, then please come with me. But if not, I'll put the big girl pants on and just head out. So when my mum said that I thought fantastic and it took me back to you know, look, let the grandchildren meet their Auntie talking is so much better. But action is even better. So you know, I said to her, we should really make an effort to engage at least every couple of months, even if it's a long call. You can just speak out if you need to, or we see each other. And she seemed to be agreeing with me whether it happens, I don't know. And I think as I said the emotional points were I can't talk to anyone like I do you. Often she thinks about why there's no contact. And we don't really have family to call really. And I think when you start thinking about your own, more Tality all these things go through your head. And probably this is what's happened with grand dying. And you know, I want the history to stop repeating itself. When no one talks to each other. No one knows about anything. But coming on to mother and daughter relationships, then I'm not expecting that cosy mother and daughter relationship go on a holiday. I mean, my mother and I always used to speak about it. But it was just words, it was just chat, it was never going to happen. Now my expectation is lower. Let me just get to know this woman, she's not even my next of kin. So you can imagine, if anything either happens to us, someone's going to be telling us a third person that I might not even know it could be my sister great, but I don't really know her anymore. Even though I lived with her for about five years. Before both of them before I moved out. I went to live with my mom when I was 16. But I don't really know her as a big woman. So it's really weird. But the key thing is, and there's a lot of research around this about bonding and attachment between the ages six and nine months is when your attachment styles are formed. I didn't have that with my mum. It's with all these different foster carers. So you can imagine I've had attachment issues where I've been insecure. And this is followed me into this ripe old age from now. Bonding issues due to abandonment. So do you really bond with people? Or is it quite superficial? I've had very superficial relationships and those that I've really bonded with, and they've abandoned me as cut me to the core expecially if there's been no explanation, so there's some questions I've asked myself and had to overcome communication style and frequency frequency once I left my Mum, what's your communication style? You know, my mum does is a little nervous giggle when she talks because she's not sure she's saying it the right way. And you know, and she say, I don't know she just said oh, you're talking about you. This is not communication style, actually. But she was talking about me the other day to a friend and he's to get my backup and I thought why do you have the cheek to talk about me when you don't know me? You know, but I'm letting this go. What's more comfortable is it calls is it texting now? I can text friends to the cows come home but sometimes you just want to hear a human voice and I've, as I've said in previous podcasts, I need to have that interaction I need that engagement and, and good, bad feelings and how to overcome them relating to childhood, tough childhood,

20:12

do you know that two out of four people are adopted or fostered? So I am just a norm, it seems really. And it's funny today, I heard on the radio that the bearers or the Yeah, the boroughs in London, which is like a neighbourhood in other countries, or whatever you call them, currencies or whatever, are coming together to up the ante, because they haven't got enough people who want to foster but let me tell you something, my beautiful people, they make that process so long and hard, I've got a friend, in another part of the UK, who's trying to adopt, we're coming into the second year. So you know what, to all those counties, and boroughs and cities and towns. So you need adoptive adoptive parents and foster parents, you need to change your whole regime of how you vet people and get them through the system a bit quicker, because some people just get tired of waiting and just drop off. So, you know, I've had to get over bad feelings and how to overcome them relating to my childhood. And one of the things as well is, I felt that I put a lot of effort into getting to know my mum making the contact, even when I went to live with her. And I resented it a little bit because I thought, hang on, you abandoned me, not the other way around. But look at the circumstance. She was 16 years old, my beautiful people 1516 years old when she was pregnant. And, you know, she has no attachment with me, she will find it hard to initiate contact, because she's always going to feel that guilt. But one of the worst things is that I remember my mum ever saying to me, when she looks in my face, she sees the man, that is my father. That's not great look at it, because look what you said to her. So oh, God, I don't even know how to get random with this. But I now have to be the bigger person, I will initiate contact. I think, you know, you can have lighthearted, deep chats or superficial chats, I'm not going to put it into a box, I'm just going to go with the flow. And just make sure that we can both smile, and be honest, all I want is my mum and I to be honest, I even find it difficult when I'm saying sorry, when I'm sending a text or even saying actually, Hi Mum, I can't really get the words out mum used to be able to when I lived with her. But as we grow further and further apart, it's really difficult. So if I wanted to send a WhatsApp message, I just say hi, how are you? And it's always about has, you know, she's in remission with a cancer. But obviously, she's got she's got all these side effects. Now. Do we have minimal check ins, or more deeper check ins about knife? I think again, I have to go with the flow. I think if I'm setting this as a bit of a personal challenge or goal, to have some form of relationship with my mum, that could be quite a distant one, then it has to be a little bit more than what it's done now. Because that hour and 20 that we were talking or 80 minutes showed me that we can chat till the cows come home. And I will never forget that my mum had me when she was in when she was young. And it was in the 60s. And as a young black woman fused with pain, shame and rejection from your own and community. I can't begin to imagine what that would have been like. The conversation I guess answered all of the above questions that I've been going over in my mind. Because I never Sorry, I have finally accepted the past was the past. And I won't make all the effort we have to come together. I think I've set myself some boundaries now around that. But ultimately, life is too short and I'm ready to receive my mum and take a deep breath if I get irritated or frustrated or whatever. I want to help her in healing her cancer after math, you know, start using organic stuff. Let me educate her. Like with the lymphedema with the hands, you've got to elevate your areas that you've got the lymphedema in, and my final thoughts because this is a short and sweet one. How can we learn from each other as humans now from a mother and daughter, there's a lot my mum and I can learn from each other. And the more now again, I think as she's getting older she's seen her mum die. She's in a way suffering with cancer aftermath and she came through it there's some people aren't so lucky. I've got some friends going through it now their mothers and it's appalling It's horrific. My mom I'm still here. I also think there are no rules on how to be a parent only guidelines that are written at 16. As well, in the 60s, as a black woman. It's about survival. It's about survival. And when you're given an ultimatum from your own mother, because of the shame of them both being pregnant at the same time, that is hard, and I respect my mum, because without her, I wouldn't be here today. One Life is all we have. And it is different for everybody. I have to along with everybody else have to respect the decisions they make, and how people operate. I'll never forget that when I used to have a moan about my little sister, for one reason or other, my mum said, but it's not your life, Tina. That's her choice. But you see my mom's laid back and complacent. So I didn't quite accept that. And I thought, No, it's not actually because some of the choices she's made, I think are wrong. Anyway, I don't think I'll ever feel the power of the word mum in its entirety. But as we both age, it's time to try just having some sort of relationship that we can both smile and be comfortable with. That's a key thing we need to both be comfortable. So that might beautiful people is my short and sharp insight into my mother and me as a daughter, and maybe there are other mother and daughters of got friction. That may be of a different kind. But acceptance, listening and talking honestly must help. But there will be instances incidences where people just do not get on and that's it. I give thanks for my mother for giving birth to me. I am here. I've had my struggles, but hopefully I'm a better person than what I was 10 years ago. And that my beautiful people is a wrap. Take care. Take time and keep looking over your shoulder.