Dear Diary (pt2)

There are days when you need to just exhale, chat and express. I did that across 7 days over the Easter period and here's what I had to say....

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Transcript

what's up my beautiful people. Oh my gosh. So this is another instalment of Dear Diary, there was someone I've interviewed on my podcast before who absolutely loved it. Because I showcase my feelings what I've been up to. So it's not just like, at 12 o'clock, I ate a cream cake. It's a bit deeper than that. So I decided I'd do it again, and I'll be honest with you is a bit of a filler while I think about this other subject matter that I'm going to talk about and line up another interview. So I thought, actually, Easter weekend was a good place to start from Good Friday, because actually, the UK experienced a four day long weekend, and it is my time of the year along with Christmas and any other really long bank holiday that I dread as a person that lives on their own, and whatever you sometimes feel quite alone. And I'm not ashamed to say that, you know, I'm not ashamed to say anything on this podcast, because the more I outpour about what is going on in my life, sometimes, I've noticed people will message me and talk to me about things, which is great. And so I've always felt these long weekends of bank holiday and you tried to get things fixed up what I have done in the past, and you just end up being in this. I'm seeing anybody. And if you remember a couple of weeks ago, I did speak on here about I was in this funk. And it's because I hadn't engaged or interacted with anybody because I worked for myself. Anyway, this was different, I had a lovely time. And I welcomed it because as those do who are in full time work, and they get the four days, but I had something planned every single day. And I realised I have to really push the boundaries are making shit happen for me. But it was a chance for me to catch up with friends who do the daily grind, ie those and full time work. So it all started extremely positively on Good Friday, because I received an email that lifted my spirits much more than any easter egg could ever do. And yeah, I'm a big ass woman. So I'm not really going to eat loads of easter eggs. In fact, I didn't have any easter eggs. But basically, I had decided a couple of weeks ago that look work is tight. Right now I've got one little consultancy project. And I'm just cold calling not cold calling, I don't do cold calling. I'm just sending off cold emails to people that I think I've got nothing to lose. And this is all come about because I have been doing a copywriting course, where it really teaches you how to capture someone's attention within your writing. So I put it to test. I'd heard about this chef way before Christmas, who had won this reality TV programme. And he got residency at the good front room at the five star Langham Hotel in Regent Street in central London. This is just for the benefit of people outside of London. And he was basically so popular that it was almost a five month waiting list to get in. I managed to get friends and I and before Christmas. But before we went there, I'd heard him on a radio station saying, oh, you know, I could really do with somebody helping out and my social media, he sort of said it tongue in cheek a bit funny, and I didn't take really that much notice of it. But guess what, a couple of weeks ago, I decided I'm just gonna reach out to him and say, let me take you on a visual journey with your culinary delights. I think I can help you. In fact, I don't think I know I can help you. Anyway, that's the summarised version of the email I sent. And on Good Friday, he responded, we have a meeting very soon. I am super stoked about it because it's not always the outcome that you expect. So on Good Friday as well in the black community. Sorry, I'm moving on from that. I'll keep you updated on that one because you know, the universe is listening to me and it's saying you know what, T you're making an effort now to make some opportunities try and come to live. But on the Friday, which is Good Friday in the black community is a big thing to have fried fish. Now in the past, I've always gone to my mum and said Mum, can you make some fried fish me remember our relationship is non existent, really. But every Easter I took the liberty of going to her and saying can I have some fried fish and it'd be snapper or bream or something else and it was always delicious. And then I get what is The traditional bread in the black community called hard dough bread is quite sweet. It's quite dense. But it is lovely. You can just have it with butter, have your fried fish with all the trimmings on it. And just enjoy. That wasn't going to happen. Mum and I have barely spoken since she was diagnosed with cancer and she's in recovery. It's just whatever. And I was talking to a friend saying how do you do fry fish then because the smell in your home is just ridiculous. And he said, and this is my male friends who can cook really well said you just do this, this, this and this and I just come out of the gym member I'm buzzing from the email, I've gone to do a workout in the gym, I thought I'm gonna go and buy some fried fish. So I'd go into the fishmonger. And it was a bit intimidating because there's a queue as long as my arm. There's all these people that got their fingers in the fish's mouth, checking into tongues, whatever it's supposed to be doing. And the eyes aren't dead, which means it's a shitty fish and blah, blah, blah. So I'm standing in the queue thinking, let me get full snapper. So when the man comes, he said next, and I said, Yeah, for snapper, please, we haven't really got any but Oh, hang on a minute, let me go and get something from the back. I'm standing near this guy's Jamaican guy. And these people know how to do their fish and everything, right? And I'm standing there saying, Oh, these fish look really nice. That's a big fish. Can I get two of those? And he said, Why don't you get four, you'll get a good deal. So I'm looking at the queue. I'm feeling a little bit intimidated and a bit hot thinking shit, you know? Because all I'm thinking about mate, you need to take the head off because I can't be looking at no eyes. You need to gut it, D scale it and everything. And this guy was saying to me next to me saying, Wow, you're not gonna have much fish left. When you do all that sis. I said, I can't take a fish home and the eyes are glaring at me. It's disgusting. And bear in mind. I do more plant based than anything else. Anyway, I got him to do all of that. But when he weighed the fish, it came to 38 pounds, 38 pounds, you know people for four freaking fish. But because the shot was full. And I was intimidated. I just said Yeah, that's fine. So I ended up taking the fish home. Let me tell you something. I season that fish you wash it and everything you season it. I left it in there ready to cook for Sunday morning. My fish because a friend of said just do it in a shallow frying pan. When the oil is hot enough. You know by putting garlic in it the garlic starts turning black and the oil Sokhna fluff. I can't have this smell going through my house. My revolutionary kitchen appliance has been the airfryer. So I said you know what, I'm going to try the airfryer and he said, you know it's going to take longer. Listen, my listeners. The fish came out the boom in the air fryer and it didn't really take that long. I did it for 1514 minutes on each side turning it the fish was the bomb. And actually I had so much fish that when I actually seasoned it, I halved it and put it in the freezer and now I've got it for another day. Okay, fish done. That topic was still on Good Friday. But we're moving on now. On the Saturday, which is the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, I was feeling so bouncy and buoyant and whatever. Still, I met a friend we went for a power walk. She's an ex Olympian. And it was just nice, because again, as I'm talking to you, I need to engage with people. So we went out and did this walk, which was lovely. And then that evening, I was going to see a friend's husband who was starring in King Lear. He's an actor called Danny Cipollone. And it was at a lovely theatre that I'd never been to before in another part of London. And I went with a friend and it was absolutely fantastic. You see, I haven't really done Shakespeare since school. And my foster mom who was my English teacher, and that's why I had to pass my English exams. She used to run the show experiences at our home which is highly embarrassing having all the class come to your house to study in a converted barn and we learned Shakespeare but King Lear with Danny so parney It was absolutely fabulous. So Easter weekend was kicking off good. And it was nice because it felt quite busy. There was something going on every day and and then we got to Easter Sunday. I cooked my fish and that was lovely. And it was just fabulous. And then I watched on Netflix. Please try and watch it because you know I used to mentor people who had been homeless. There's a programme or a film called The beautiful game. Did you know that is the homeless football tournament that takes place. I'm not sure if it's every year but it was absolutely freaking fabulous. And it's sometimes those programmes that you come across on Netflix or Amazon Prime, very rarely Amazon Prime, if I'm honest, that really shocked me. And it started Michael Ward, who I absolutely love when he

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played opposite another Academy Award winner. And he's just come to be a fantastic actor, I think. And so the beautiful game is about the homeless, who play for their country and take place in the homeless, global football tournament. It's fantastic. Please go and watch. So that was Saturday, Sunday, and then we get to Monday. And I did my power walk I woke up so I'm still feeling really good. And what I've sort of done is set myself a kind of programme having had my operation just before Christmas, in terms of it's it's more about having been a professional athlete, the discipline of doing something and following something. So I've started following the Samsung health programme, which is called Baby Steps to 5k, which is I literally achieved it within two days. I think I underestimated my level of fitness, but it's meant to be a running programme. And I do walk, run, walk run. Well actually it says walk calmly for five minutes to warm up and then walk briskly. And you cover anything from 2.3 I think I'm at 2.31 mile kilometres. We're not actually I've done 4.5. And it was so good to go out and do that on Sunday, Monday, Sunday, Monday, Sunday, Monday, because I've actually been out the night before as well to have a boogie with some friends, which was also nice, but I was knackered by this point. So Sunday, sorry, Monday, I woke up and did that. But it's also Sunday, as I supposed to see my god daughter's mum. And but I'd heard about a friend's mum had died. So I switched up my plans and went to see her. And I also realised that there are some issues around death I really still need to deal with because I find it extremely difficult, extremely difficult. Maybe I need to visit the house of God oh my god daughter who is in the church as is my Goddaughters. Mum. Maybe I need to go to church again. And I think I had such a bad experience of it when I was younger, where we had to go to this really boring clinical church. And they did Holy Communion. I just think yeah, let me have a swig of wine because that tasted nice. But imagine everybody else's lips have been ran this gobbler, and then you take this paper wafer thing, whatever crap that was when in the mouth. I know I'm being disingenuous. If anybody's a Catholic, I am so sorry. But it just felt a little bit shit for me. But yeah, so my Easter weekend was actually fantastic. And the boogie that I had on Easter Sunday. Lots of footwork, lots of old jazz dancers, lots of laughs and lots of water. So you can hear it in my voice. I'm smiling through the joy that I had. And then we get to the first of April pinch punch first of the month. Where did that saying come from? Where the April Fool's jokes are flying, I saw them. But it was a chilled affair for me. I trained my legs to fatigue, I ate leftover fish because it was recovering from what I've been doing. And so I did some more online study actually that day and finished off my copywriting course, which I felt really good about because one of the things I have started to do, while work is a bit scarce, is actually set an intention from the night before what I'm going to do the next day, which means then I'm just not blundering through the day, doing absolutely sweet FA. I followed up on the chef's email because I was Uber excited and said, You know what, let me get back to him and say yeah, I'd love to meet up and that was really good. And then I had some kind of sleepless night thinking about what I was going to do or achieve for the second of April, which would have been the Wednesday so I woke up second of April feeling a little bit Huh, okay, I feel okay. And I thought my legs when I got up to go to the loo in the middle of the night I thought I had to hold on to the bannister, my people, my legs were killing me member. I've done two power walks. I did a heavy leg session with weights. And so I had to do some yoga and try and reset my brain. And I had delayed onset muscle soreness is which we call once you've done a heavy sporting session or something weights in my case and your limbs eight but it's delayed because you don't really feel that pain until a couple of days later. However, Fat Tuesday we are on Tuesday, I think was on there. Maybe it's Wednesday now. Second of April I have been or I was productive beyond belief. I updated the web cite my own website with the help of YouTube videos. Oh my God. Isn't YouTube fantastic and get you through anything, because I've been had tech rustiness in terms of updating certain things on my website. So I did that I did a few job applications, consultancy meetings. And then I even went for a nice little casual walk in the sunshine and had a nasty little sweet treat as well. I realised that date, I'm a bit of a tech nerd, because everything I was doing on the website, and I was trying to do this integration between mailshot emails and MailChimp and putting that out subscription on my website. So if people want to hear what I got to offer, how do I do it is great. And it was cool. And I've got spoiler alert, I am looking for love in all the right places, my people, let me tell you something, I am putting it out in the universe so strongly in terms of I'm telling people, there was something I've been involved in for over a year now, which has just been shit, in terms of commitment from the other person. And that's all done with and I've been telling people, guys, girls, I am looking for the love of my life. And it feels so good to know that you're shut down something that wasn't right. And you are opening your heart to something that could be new. So I'm just telling you all listeners, I am looking for love in all the right places. So the lesson of my day for the second of April was close friends mean a lot to me. I had some beautiful conversations that day. And the phrase, you win some you lose some means more than we actually know. first of April offers some blood tests. And the longest walk since I've done, I've done rather since my December operation, I was sweating. I've had blood tests just to check what's going on my body is all okay. And then it was back to some tech obsessiveness in my quest to drive new business. YouTube is my new best friend. And as I watched, I knew I'd finish this integration that I'd started the day before. Meeting nailed what could be the next big celebrity chef, I'm feeling super stoked and super upbeat. And my lesson of the day very quickly was there are always people worse off than me. And I always feel so grounded when I can reach for food from my fridge or freezer without hesitation. Now that sounds really weird. But I think we take it for granted that even though I'm not doing that much work, I'm not really able to fend for anything. I mean, this week has been full of bills, people, my car insurance, my contents insurance or home insurance. It's been massive. But what I will say to those people that when you have a renewal come through for any type of insurance or a bill like that, do not automatically renew because as you usually as soon as I take up a new insurance, I take off the auto renewal on their website, because that's where they make their money. So here's a quick example. I did a joint insurance with Admiral for people outside the UK, this will mean nothing that is just the company. I did a joint insurance for my house insurance, which is you know, building my building falls down or contents and my car insurance. The quote that the company gives me was 900. And something I'm like, really? So if I break that down, my house insurance should have been very small. And my car insurance they're saying worldwide or globally. Well, UK Maybe I'm exaggerating has gone up because parts the supply chains are shit, rarely, rarely rare. So I phoned them up and I bullshitted right. I'd already done my comparison search on Google Sites before and I went to them. And I said, Look, guys, you've come in at 900. I've been on comparison sites and I could get the for 720. I've been a customer for over a year. And I've been with you before, if you look at my records, what's the best you can do? Do you know they got the price at exactly what I lied about or total white lie about I'm being a bit naughty. So I'm just saying to you, if you're a bit lazy and cannot be bothered to do it, do it because then I get on the phone and I get the best deal and it happens as well. My broadband and internet provider, Virgin Media in terms of what I get from them, and I said to them, I threatened to leave which everybody does you have to go a bit better than that mags. I don't really care. But I did it and I want it. So moving on the fourth of April just a couple of days now.

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I'm now it's a fifth of April. So I'm telling you what went on on the fourth of April. I had a down day. I was overly tired. I had no human engagement. and which I know is a massive, massive trigger for me being down in the dumps. I hadn't seen anybody. And this is weird since Easter Monday. So that's four days. And yeah, I'd had this blinding Easter weekend. Whereas up, I think it is down to not working with anybody because you know, some people may have taken Easter off because they've got children and stuff in the holidays. But there have been others had him back in the office. And I think for me, it does get to me. So I think I've said this, that, you know, look, I'm not going to make myself be on the street, because I haven't got enough work, I will take a full time job if I need to. So I think for me, it was just a day where I didn't feel great. And the operation that I had before Christmas, I've started to panic thinking things still don't feel right. So I reconnected with the hospital about getting it checked out. And they were brilliant. They came back to me in the evening when I thought they could take a couple of weeks time. The reason why I mentioned that as well, my beautiful people is because we have serious issues with our national health service in the UK, in terms of people aren't getting the appointments, people are being left waiting, people aren't getting the operations they want they can't get through, it's just a nightmare. I think we are going to end up going private fully like the US over here. But they were brilliant, they came back to me. And I think it's because the surgeon who did the operation would be mortified if a patient hadn't successfully recuperating from what he's done. If I'm honest. I fed my soul that night, if I'm honest with takeaway, which wasn't great, but I have not been drinking wine at home, I'm in my quest to lose weight. So I'm doing gin and tonics now and again. And so that felt good. I was just fed up in my own food. After five days. I mean, I cook and I cook well. And it's like I go to my freezer. And it's Tina, surprise, what's coming out now. But I just fed myself with some takeout, which is Chinese, which I love. And I finished my day with a positive affirmation that tomorrow will be better. And it's not going to be like that. Because when a friend had phoned me the only person in family that day, and I hadn't really had contact anybody else all week, I kind of ended up offloading on her and saying thank you for phoning me, I feel so grateful that I've had this conversation. And then I just watched him shift TV went to bed, and thought about what I will be doing today, which is now the fifth of April. Because somebody that I know that I've worked with before her husband who I've met as a professional photographer, and hopefully she'll listen to this episode at one point, I just want to say thank you to both of them. And we'd agreed that he would do some professional headshots for me because I need them for my voiceover website that I'm going to build, hopefully myself, and just get some great pictures in and you know, I woke up this morning, I felt so excited because he said, Look, we're going to do them in mainly black and white, because that's what a lot of them have done. But bring some colour and whatever. And it's really funny. Now as I'm sitting here talking to you about this, I realised there's a sense of deja vu that I've already seen this scenario happening a little bit like final destination is anybody watched those creepy movies. I bloody love them, where the person has visions about something horrible, that's going to happen next. Yeah, I've seen those anyway, went off to their house to do this photo shoot. And it was just the banter. And I realise what makes a good photographer, a good photographer is somebody that can have that banter with you makes you laugh, blah, blah, blah. And this are the shots this guy has taken. He is a bit of a celebrity photographer. He would hate me for saying this, but he is the bomb. And I've just offered to do some social media for him because I think he just needs to do more of that because he's so good. I have got the most amazing shots and listen, having headshots done is not cheap. But I've just had mine done for free because he's got a project coming up where I'm going to act out some stuff for him. So sometimes we need to just think out the box and be a bit collaborative and see what we can give to each other. And it was just so nice and being around them. Their daughter, the cat's which was funny, and we were talking about jobs and the market. And guess what? It's Friday. It's the weekend. And I know next week will be exceptionally Busy, busy and positive. And then on the 15th I think now the 14th of April I'm going off to Dubrovnik. Dubrovnik Am I pronounced that right, Croatia before girlies we booked tickets with British Airways in the flight sale in January. We've got an air b&b. I'm looking forward to four days of Healy walking, sightseeing eating out every day which is not something I desire. If I'm honest with you because I do like home cooking, but we will do it and it will be fun. I need a little bit of a break, probably not the sunniest break that I usually look for. But I'm going to have four girlfriends I've never been away with before. So it's going to be great. But we made sure we picked an Airbnb that had we all have our own separate rooms, which I think is absolutely key. The biggest challenge for me, my beautiful people is hand luggage only. Oh my god, I can do it when it's one night, but four nights. My friend when I told her she was laughing, she said, Tina, just put your heaviest items on is with an airline, which you're not really going to be that restricted to take a rucksack and your pull on. And so I'm thinking about that already. And I'll be stressed next week thinking about it. We got a really early flight, but it's going to be fun. I think I need it. What have we learned? What have I learned from my diary this week, which I hope you've enjoyed some of the anecdotes and funny stuff. Be careful what you think about good or bad because the universe is listening that whether you believe in that member Law of Attraction is my big thing. But I do believe some of the things I've thought about have come to fruition whether it's been bad thoughts, it's happened. Good thoughts. It's happened. Courtesy is key. I went for this full time job three weeks ago. And I walked out of that first interview thinking this would be the perfect job on paper, but the distance to this job. They mandated being in the office three days a week and all this stuff and the salary wasn't great. Okay. So I felt a bit down when I came out. But I knew the person that was interviewing me we'd worked together over 20 years ago. I said to him, how many more people will you be interviewing and he said for more. Now, given they only work Monday, Tuesdays and Thursdays in the office, we're approaching an Easter break. So I gave that still haven't heard anything. And I think they caught on to when they are asked me at the end of the interview, it was just him. You know, what's your salary expectation of what we're not what you're offering? Oh, we work in the office three days a week. Oh, really? So if you're really busy, can I work from home? No, we've got a young team, they need to be nurtured. We expect everybody's being and actually the founders of this agency, they come in a lot further than you and they get in. So I think he picked up on that. And the feedback would have been, she's been working for herself seven days, seven years. Is she ready to come back into full time she kind of inadvertently question the working days and the hours in the evening. I didn't question it all. But you could see that I was definitely a little bit of gossip that having come out of COVID. And there's a lot of hybrid work in which I don't think people get and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, I won't bore you with the details. But my point on courtesy is, wouldn't it be nice to just come back to me the fact that you know, me and I could bump into you one day, courtesy would be even if you have to bullshit as it. I'm sorry, at this point. We don't think it was right, or whatever you have to say, but they haven't come back to me at all. I've got a couple of optimistic people around me said yeah, they will. No, they won't. The job market at the moment in the UK and probably globally is shite. People are still getting made redundant. People are going for every job going bla bla bla bla bla. And I'm trying to turn this all into a positive to say, Okay, going for that job, and show me what I don't want. But also, that if I'm going to step into full time work is got to align with my values, it's got to be something that I'm going to be proud to get out of bed every morning. You know what I'm saying? I've got to be doing all of that. So, however, what I'm doing as I've got job alerts coming in, because I'm not gonna leave myself no bread on the table and bills not being paid. As simple as that. Another lesson if you have downtime, use it productively. And especially if you're feeling out of sorts, plan and prep. As I said to you, I set my intentions for the night before. And I make sure that that day if I've achieved that is a tick, okay. It's really important. Otherwise you aimlessly go through that day and you think,

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what am I supposed to be doing a little bit when I had that down day I kind of was supposed to have done something else. I didn't prep in my mind what I could be doing. And the last one, oh, no, there's two more. If you're thinking about somebody reach out to them, as you never know what's going on behind closed doors. I had a call with somebody a couple of weeks before and I know they were having challenges with work and life and so forth. And I've reached out to them, they haven't got back to me. So I'm just a bit concerned that they may have been at low there's not a lot more that I can do. But I will reach out again and I will keep reaching out until they get back to me. But I'm just saying in general. I say to some of my friends you know when I have a week like I did you know from the month Sunday, I didn't talk to anybody for four days. I could be dead. How do you make it that you'd have that regular contact or you have an urgent or emergency contact to check in? See if somebody's okay, because people know I haven't got much family. And so I sometimes have that as a bit of a thing at the moment. How is any I can lie in my house? Probably two weeks, my neighbours might think what's going on? We can't hear Tina next door. But at what point would they say, we're going to take the key because I've got this Smart Lock thing that you've got a key and a key key look. Anyway, I'm getting a bit sad now. Well, I'm not sad. I'm just getting a bit. That's the depressing part. But anyway, last lesson, be grateful and give thanks for everything that's happened. And I'm saying this to you now that I am giving thanks. And I'm being extremely grateful for things that have happened that have been positive this week, despite not seeing many people, especially to the photographer and his partner. I had a beautiful time with you guys. Today. It was so nice. And I'm thinking about all those listening to my podcast, because I didn't realise there were so many people that don't let me know miss it. Oh, my God, that episode you did on friends, or this is brilliant, Tina, I love it. And I get a bit overwhelmed because it is a lot of work thinking about what you're going to talk about how you're going to deliver it, etcetera, etcetera. And somebody said to me, what is your aim with this podcast? And I said, I'd love it that one day out of the blue, someone listens to it. And they say we'd love it to host something for us. So, you know, I'm going to keep going for now, for as long as I can keep finding things to talk about, and hope that I will get more subscribers and ratings and people just downloading and saying, Yeah, I want a bit of Tina. It's also good for people that haven't seen you for a long time. And they say, I feel that you're in the front room with me having a chat because you talk so candidly and honest about what's going on. And for that my beautiful people. That's the end of my dear diary, part two, there is another one. In fact, there's two other ones actually one I did ages ago and there's another Dear Diary, and there's a guy that listens in quite regularly Dean are mentioned him I've interviewed him on here before and he said he loved it because I just talked about the emotions. I talk about what's been going on from that now. Take care. Have a lovely, lovely best of day whenever you're listening to this, and I'll b