Resilience

 I’m back and this episode is all about resilience as we’re all resilient in some way or another. Resilience is the capacity to bounce back from adversity, adapt to change, and recover quickly from difficult situations. It is often described as the ability to withstand, recover from, or grow stronger in the face of challenges, setbacks, and stressors. Resilience is not a fixed trait but rather a skill that can be developed and cultivated over time.

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Transcript

 E72 - Resilience

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

resilient, resilience, life, friend, person, thought, deal, feel, neighbours, challenges, uk, people, abandoned, signs, limbs, film, felt, adversity, bit, dog

00:00

Hey What's up beautiful people, it's so good to be back. It's been a while. But I really did need to take a break from my podcasts and come back a little bit fresh, and hopefully with some great topics and great people on my show. So how have you been? I've been relaxed and recuperated having had my birthday in you, as a I say it like that, because I'm really conflicted about the United States sometimes. But it was good to go back and I did get that excitement. I stayed in Washington, Virginia falls, sorry, Falls Church in Virginia with a friend. And then we went off to New York for three days. And that was interesting, because I haven't been to New York since 2019. And I can't believe how the price of everything has gone up. Let me tell you, I remember the days when food was really cheap in America, not anymore. It was really expensive, but we had a good time. But my down moment was basically I slept with the air conditioning on in this air b&b duplex. I mean, the air conditioning in the bedroom was literally on top of the bed, and I forgot to turn it off. And then I had the most stonking head cold, literally for almost a week and a bit when I returned to the UK. So it wasn't great. The highlight of my trip, seeing my friend and a couple of other people, but going to the Afro American Museum in Washington, and also going to Ellis Island, and seeing the Statue of Liberty quite close up is funny, isn't it? Because I think America is thrown in Brett's face and everybody else's face because of films and things like that. So I think seeing the Statue of Liberty back close up was pretty phenomenal. And you kind of think who built that is an amazing sculpture, and it's huge. Anyway, having had that lovely holiday, I think what is really hit me is how resilient people need to be in the face of what's going on in the world, which isn't a great story people. Let's think about it. There's bad news everywhere from dangerous dogs. So the X El Bulli, which has been going to be made banned are going to be banned in the UK from December 2023. Because it's killed one person maimed about three. I mean, it's it's shocking. And it's funny, because yesterday I was cycling, and I saw this Amazon driver delivering a parcel to this woman. And suddenly this dog just came from nowhere. And she's shouting at it. And I thought, Nah, if it was me, I'd be leaving and throwing just like in America, they used to deliver the papers. I'd be throwing it over the lawn. I'm not walking into someone's place and being chased by a dog. Now it didn't seem to be a bother for him. But I just thought this is outrageous. Anyway, off my soapbox about blinking dogs, the flooding in Libya, with 11,000 Plus casualties. Imagine that you live in your country and you're flooded beyond flooded. I mean, I'm absolutely gobsmacked if I'm honest, I just can't believe it. And so, you know, these people have got to have resilience beyond resilience. And so, the earthquake in Marrakech, I've been to Marrakech so many times up in the Atlas Mountains. And it's so so sad. I just and this is all due to climate change. And guess what the UK is pulling back, what are we going to do, and putting some things in place to reduce climate change, we need to wake up, and then the cost of living, and the resurgence of the dreaded C word. And I'm not talking cancer, I'm talking COVID. And it was interesting when I was in the States to see so many people wearing masks again. So in light of all of that massive introduction, today, I want to talk about resilience and what it means, which is the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. Funnily enough, I've always been told I'm pretty resilient. And so when I looked at this, I thought, what does that really mean? How many times have I been called resilient, and I believe I know what it means but wanted to double check. And you know what, I am resilient. My life has meant I've had to be from my childhood, the colour of my skin and the knockbacks. From that there are 1000s of people who go through the same as me. And I have to think about what slaves went through way back then to get me to where I am now, which is to be sitting in an integrated environment. Well, almost, and what they went through, it was through the roof, whether it's friendships, whether it's lovers, the list goes on, how do you bounce back? And when I think about my earlier life in in the care system, and the amount of people that I had to endure, that treated me badly or did something that was, you know, not in my favour. I always bounced back. Now, it may not have been the way in the way that we want. But I've bounced back. And I'm here. I'm here to tell the story. And I feel really, really proud that I'm here to tell the story about life, not just my life, I talk about other people's life. We face life's challenges, adversities and crisis's every damn day. But it's how we deal with them, how we bounce back and grow, some wallow, some Excel with knock backs. And I think I'm one of them. And one of the biggest ones, I think, for me was my when I got my 11 plus. So to get into a grammar school, you had to take what was quite a hard exam, even though I know it's even harder now these poor kids being put under such duress, but I did it and I was in a children's home at the time. And you know what their their response was to me, here's your results. You little nigga you've got into Grammar School from that day, they let me go to that grammar school for my induction on my own with nobody. And I remember sitting on this school bench all on my own. And a therapist is managed to take me back to that point of why I feel abandoned. A lot of times I'm getting better. But I feel a sense of abandonment. And another example of that is five days ago, I had a sixth sense about my neighbours, and we don't talk all the time. They're not as close to me as another set of neighbours. But I thought I wonder if they're leaving. And lo and behold, one night it was about 10 o'clock. And there they were packing their car, tiny little car. And I thought this is strange. They're not just taking things to a jumble sale or or charity shop because it was pictures that were wrapped up in bubble wrap. And I watched them from the window. This is about harvest nine at night. And I thought stop being nosy teeny, you've got a really bad habit of doing that. Sometimes I do think we need to be aware of what's going on around us people. So you know what, I don't hold back. Anyway, the next morning, I'm going to a client's office, it's about Harper seven, eight o'clock, I saw this massive van backed up literally to their front door in their driveway. It was a removal van. You know, I felt really abandoned. I can't explain how I felt but um, I've had it before with another neighbour years ago before I moved into my current property. And I've been here nearly 20 odd years, and they were moving out. And I felt abandoned, I felt that people were leaving me. And you know, the therapist has taken me back to all that time ago in school, on my very first day in what will be high school, I guess, for people in the States or anywhere else. And you know, in the UK, we call it secondary school, I was on my own, I've been abandoned by the people were supposed to be looking after me. And the worst thing was okay, in the first year that we call it, so you're 11 years old. And all these kids are going to be in the same year as me. They have their parents with them. I have nobody not only that I was sat on a bench on my own. And it felt really horrible, abandoned, and rejected. So I was resilient because I kept going. And I had to come through that. And I think I wanted answers when I got to my older age to think about why is it if I've broken up with a friend, it feels worse than what it is and abandoned. Now I've I've got kind of a bit laissez faire about that now. And it is what it is. But the fact of the matter is, I looked into it. And so when I see other people, I've got a friend at the moment who's going through quite a lot, but he's not resilient. He never thinks of solutions is a bit negative. It's a bit, you know, a load of old chat and then does nothing. And I've actually been looking at him thinking you're not really resilient. Do I need this kind of fake facade of an energy around me, and this is nothing but I'm going to come on to that in another chat another week about energy and who's around you and how you deal with positivity. So signs of resilience, then a resilient person is someone who has strong coping skills,

08:59

how many times do we hear, I can't cope, I can't do this, I can't whatever and is able to marshal their available resources, ask for help when needed and find ways to manage the situation they are facing people with psychological resilience are able to use their skills and strengths to respond to life's challenges, which can include those related to and you're not going to be surprised at these death. And let me talk about death very quickly because I still think I've got issues with death. Surprisingly, I realised I'm a very emotional person, I realised that when it comes to death, is it a reality that someone's not going to be there anymore? And I think I'm quite scared about that. And the other day my neighbour lost his wife to cancer and he was talking about it with me and he said, I'm gonna send you the link Tina to to the service, which let me tell you something. The funerals now is a whole different ballgame. It's like a whole theatre setup. There. Drones filming you add to the journey from the house to the church and then the crematorium. I cried When I saw his speech, I really did cry, and I thought you still got an issue of death, and he will be resilient. He's a pastor. Anyway. Sorry, I just have to say that. So again, a resilient person, how they cope with divorce. I've got I've got another friend can't bear thinking about divorce because he's already go from A to Zed without thinking about the steps to be taken in between. He's so not resilient. He wants this simple life. That's all about I can't upset the applecart. I don't know what my happiness No, sorry, I don't care about my happiness. I just want to go with the norm, which I can't really get with, I guess because of my background and what I've had to go through. It's a bit more than that. Financial issues, illness, job loss. I mean, illness is a big one people who have specially with dementia, vascular dementia is a big thing in the UK at the moment, cancer, obviously, and it's not just the people who have got it is those that are with those people and going through it with them medical emergencies, and I'm always humbled. Let me tell you something, there's an amazing film called The Boston bomber. It's not amazing in terms of it glorifies a true event that happened in Boston where this guy got his legs bloody blown off. It's about the resilience this guy took to come back and to walk again and to have a wife and to have children that listen, when I watched that I think about just take me to digitus I think is called that in Switzerland, give me a pill and put me to sleep. I'll never come back with it. So there's my limiting belief right there. That is something happened while I'd lose everything. And there was another woman as well that it some bad tilapia in America can't remember the area, she's lost all her limbs, you see me I'd be like, just put me to sleep coming back to live a life without any limbs at all. And being a not even it's a corset, good quadriplegic, or whatever it is, because you've got no limbs is just, I can't imagine that, that people do in their resilience is beyond resilience. So I love watching documentaries, or anything like that. And then the resilience of the people that are going through these natural disasters. Right now, Libya, Morocco, the list goes on, and on and on. Because before you had those two recent ones, you had climate change with the extreme heat and the fires. So honestly, there are so many resilient people that when I have these doubts, and these negative thoughts, like I've just explained, I feel really guilty. So what are the signs of resilience, survivor mentality, you look at yourself as a survivor, knowing things when knowing when things are tough, you keep going, and you know that you're going to make it through there was something that was resilient in me with a care system that I didn't know this until later years, but I felt I've always got this spiritual dad sitting on my shoulder that they're going to put me through hell, but I'm always going to get through. And so now, I use that feeling to know that if something's a bit low, or down, or I'm feeling away, something is going to happen to lift me straight back out of it again, even when I didn't work for five months. And I thought maybe you need to put a little bit of effort in teen and I did I put some effort in reached out somebody, I'm back on track again. But at the same time, I knew I was going to be okay. feeling in control is a sign of resilience, feel actions can play a part in determining outcome of events. So when you feel the actions that you're going to take, then that can determine how an event is going to turn out problem solving skills, look at the situation rationally and come up with a solution that make a difference. And again, I refer to this friend I mentioned mentioning him a lot because he lean means a lot to me. And you know when you're on the outside, almost acting like a therapist and a counsellor to that person. And they're not hearing because actually, they don't want a solution. They don't want a solution because they would rather just keep going in their little bubble of messiness. And I'm just gonna keep going like this. I don't want to improve, I don't want to do anything. I find that really difficult, but someone is well signs of resilience, someone who's self compassionate, they show self acceptance, you accept something, you also treat yourself with kindness when things get tough, I was quite good at that on occasions. So when things were tough, I'd always think about something that could make me feel good, I'd be kind to myself, many of the time it would be buying something that I probably didn't need but other times it will be I'm gonna go and have a coffee and just watch the world go by because there used to be a dark place I was in and I would actually stay in my cave not speak to anybody and whatever. Now my way of treating myself with kindness as well as I put my phone on aeroplane mode just to be with me. Let me have that undivided attention for myself. And also another thing that is really important now somebody had a go at me about this the other day is social support. You have a solid network and knowing when to ask for help. I've got to admit I could be better at this because a friend has said to me You do so much for everybody else but you never asked To help, but I think the reason why I don't because I get let down in the best possible way people say, Yeah, I'm here for you, when you go to them that big thing they're not. And it's funny, I've now looked at my friendships tight one hand friends on one hand, and I spoke to my friend in America about this apart from the distance, and we said we'd be there for each other. But I think there are, as I've said, Before, there are acquaintances, there are those solid friends in your inner circle, and then there's a friend on the periphery that they're always going to be, they're going to do a bit of brunch with like I did yesterday with some girls, which is absolutely fantastic. But could I turn to any one of those and say, Okay, I've got this coming up, I really need your help, probably not. And I think once we recognise that, it's a lot easier, there are different types of resilience as well. There's a physical that refers to how the body deals with change and recovers from physical demands, illnesses and injuries. So we talked about cancer and stuff. And I remember when I had my Achilles tendon operation, the surgeon said to me, you're not going to be able to walk for a while. Listen, I was an extreme athlete. I got to work within a week, because I needed to and I needed to compete again. So maybe I've contradicted myself when I said about my limbs blown off and take me to digitise give me a pill put me to sleep, because I can't cope. Maybe I would. It's a different story when you're in it. But I think you do need that network around you. And sometimes a bit like how I felt in COVID, I felt alone, because now I definitely know that I want a partner in my life. Because I don't want to be on my own. I really don't want to be on my own. And I hear a lot of my friends who are single say, Yeah, you know, I'm

16:35

cool. I'm not sure if they are, you know, because I'm not, I'm alright in my day to day. But there are times now as I'm getting older, I've been resilient, and I will remain resilient, but I want to have somebody else in my life to share. So the physical side effects how people age as well, how you bounce back from something, and how you respond and recover from physical stress and medical issues. The other type of resilience is mental, which I think is really important because we see so many people now with mental health, a person's ability to adapt to change, and uncertainty. People who have this type of resilience are flexible and calm during times of crisis. Well, that's certainly not me. So I need to work on that. They use their mental strength to solve the problem. They move forward and remain hopeful, even when they are facing setbacks. And there was a brilliant film called 13 is about the 13 boys that were trapped in a cave in Thailand, having got caught out by the floods, and there was a really strong focus on the guys that rescued them. And I think one of the guys was going through marriage issues or something that was resilience and even those boys it they were resilient. But for me that examples sprung to mind because of the guys that will be knocked back. They had to go in drugged these guys bring them out one by one, watch it, it's on Netflix, I think or maybe it's on Amazon Prime absolutely wicked film. But I like those disaster movies because they give me strength and they do make me resilient, I think hang on to what you moaning about then there is the social type of resilience, the community resilience, which involves the ability of groups to recover from difficult situations. And that will be people that have suffered things like the flooding in Libya, the people who have lost everything in the Atlas Mountains because of the earthquake, and because they need to come together and connect with others to solve the problem that affects people individually. And collectively. Sarah Everardo also springs to mind for me in the UK, this was the young woman that was raped and killed by a hacking police officer. Because when those women came together and marched in a public place, some of them got arrested and put inside and sent to court and they've only just been pardoned, they believed in something they came together to show their resilience about what had happened. And I really respect that. The other one is emotional, being able to regulate emotions during times of stress. Some people just you know what I mean? That's a bit extreme, but resilient, people are more aware of their emotional reactions and tend to be in touch with their inner life. Because of this, they are also able to calm their mind and manage their emotions when they are dealing with negative experiences. You see, sometimes I flip a lid, guys, I do. And I need to really think about that going forward. So the impact of resilience, resilience is what gives people the psychological strength to cope with stress in hardship. It is the mental pit of strength that people are able to call on in times of need to carry them through, carry them through without falling apart. Do you know that psychologists believe that resilient individuals are better able to handle adversity and rebuild their lives after a struggle? I kind of I think I agree with that. Like I said, I'm pretty resilient. There are a few bits I need to deal with, you know, dealing with change or loss isn't an inevitable part of life. And at some point, everyone experiences varying degrees of setbacks. Some of these challenges might be relatively small, not getting into a class or being turned down for promotion at work, while others are disastrous on much on a much larger scale, like, you know, hurricanes and terrorist attacks. And I think I wasn't very good at dealing with change for a while, because I liked everything in its place. And a little bit like I said, about the abandonment issue, the changes come and neighbours moved, but it lasted for 24 hours. And if you think about the change I had to go through when I was younger, I've dealt with it all the time. And you know, those who lack resilience may become overwhelmed by such experiences, they tend to dwell on problems, and use unhelpful coping mechanisms to deal with them. Resilience gives people the strength to tackle problems, head on, overcome adversity and move on with their lives. Remember that tackle problems head on overcome adversity and move on with their life? So how to be more resilient? How can you improve that side of things? Well, it might seem a bit corny, but check this out, be optimistic, how many pessimistic people do you come across on a day to day basis? Because I do and they drain my energy, you know, blah, blah, blah. There are also other people that appear optimistic, but they don't actually believe what they're saying. I've got a friend like that as well. And I feel that she spots a lot of this optimism but deep down, she isn't optimistic at all. So you've got to check yourself when you're saying things or hearing things. Yeah, I think, yeah, let's start looking at the law of attraction. Because I feel that I've lost the gap. I've formed a gap somewhere and I need to be re reading some bits of law of attraction. I started this morning, and I felt really good. As I said, my rituals sort of dropped off a little bit, maybe because I went on holiday and had that break. But I feel that this time, there's a change going on, we know it's autonomo. Well, sort of the seasons going to change is going to be dark. We need to get ourselves prepared, healthy habits, sleep, eat, well, exercise, nurture close relationships, live against your values, view challenges as learning opportunities. I've always done that. I'm not going to lie, if there's been a challenge, and I've had a knock back, I see that as a learning situation. And I do believe that certain things are not meant to happen. They're not meant to be and that is why things are against us. You have to face the fear and do it anyway. And just embrace the change, focus on things you can control instead of dwelling on what you can't change, regulate emotions, and express feelings appropriately. Sometimes, you know, I've blown up before and I'm like, Really, Tina, did you really need to do that? And so according to Business Insider, because you know, I always do a little research when I do my episodes, and some of you been so congratulatory, oh my gosh, that was so awful the way I said that. But some of you have really praised me in terms of oh my god, I didn't know that fact. And that was a really good episode because and that's because I do actually do some research. So this particular piece is signed your resilience, a chord resilient, rather, according to Business Insider, you hold yourself accountable, you don't complain. Yeah, I'm not sure about that. When everybody has a little moan, don't they? You're self aware. That's a big one. For me. I am aware, I'm aware of a piss on off, I'm aware of things I'm doing and may not be in tune with my values, etc, etc. and resilient people practice mindfulness and cultivate self awareness. You accept your limits, because you're neither perfect nor limitless, and you accept your weaknesses and your strength in order to adapt. You're not afraid to ask for help you don't compare yourself to others. I think everybody does that. And social media. Listen, the other day, I looked at something. And it triggered me I had to come off for a couple of days because I was comparing myself to someone who was out having a good time. And I felt like I was an outsider looking in what a weird thought to have signed, you're resilient. You know, you can't plan everything. You cultivate a support system, and you take care of you. Yes, you do know what makes you happy. What really gives you a smile, if you're taking care of yourself. It's not all about just Oh, healthy eating and exercise. There'll be other things it could be. I just got in my car and I drove and played loud music. That's okay, too. You know? That is okay. So in summary, resilience is a dynamic and ongoing process is not something earned overnight, but there is a sign if you are wrong, it's not just about bouncing back, but also about learning and growing from adversity. I did that from my childhood. That's why now I'm resilient. And that's why I had to do this episode. Cultivating resilience can lead to improved mental and emotional No wellbeing, increased confidence and a better ability to navigate life's challenges. It's important to note that resilience is not a fixed trait, it can be developed and strengthened over time. Additionally, everyone has different levels of resilience in different situations, you may be more resilient than the next person or in certain areas of your life, or during specific challenges. But we're not all cut from the same cloth. But people be more resilient. You'll thank me for it. Until the next episode. I hope you enjoyed this one. And I'll speak to you next time or rather, you'll be listening to me next time. Hopefully I'll have a guest for the next one. I'm working on that now. Take care and have a beautiful week.