Trust

In this week’s episode, I discuss trust. Trust is a fundamental aspect of human relationships and interactions. It refers to the reliance or confidence that one person or entity has in another person or entity. Trust involves a belief that someone is honest, reliable, and capable of fulfilling their commitments or obligations.

Trust is a vital component of human relationships, teamwork, and societal functioning. It is based on reliability, honesty, and the belief that others will act in good faith. Trust takes time to develop but can be easily broken. Therefore, it is important to nurture and uphold trust in all aspects of life.

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Transcript

SUMMARY KEYWORDS
trust, people, friends, bit, life, work, listen, good, rejected, called, feel, build, podcast, counselling, mistrust, question, apologise, tina, school, thought
 
 
Hello beautiful people, welcome back to another episode of my life not yours. And just to say that I'm going to take a break after this one. I've missed one already. It's been a bit manic. And also, I didn't just want to put out content per se putting out content. So I am going to take a break until September after this one. But I am going to be recording some amazing interviews over the next couple of weeks for you, including some celebrity chefs. Oh, I've said too much already, haven't I, I have. And I also want to apologise if my voice sounds a bit nasally This is how I wake up in the morning. Do you remember I said to you with the brain scan, which all came back clear, by the way, I've got this thing called Horners syndrome. So the left eye is a little bit droopy, the left side of my face is always bloody blocked, and it's starting to get in my tits. But I say that I am so grateful to wake up this morning because yesterday a good friend. Well, I say a good friend, a good friend to many in the athletics world was sent away to be with the angels. He woke up one morning and it didn't work out, right. And he was only 61 I believe, or 62. So we can't take life for granted. We really can't. And there was something in the news this week in the UK were a private school. So this is a school where you have to pay for your education they had effectively were shutting down for the school holidays. And it was your theories were talking about seven and eight year olds were out having a little picnic in the school grants apparently, quote unquote, I'm wiggling my fingers as I say this a woman in her 40s in her Landrover crashed into the wall of the school into this playground area where they were having this picnic or before 10 o'clock, it's a breakfast picnic, and one eight year old girl was killed. Can you imagine sending your child to school or dropping your child off to school and then that happens? You get a call the next? Well, within the next few hours to say we need to talk to you urgently identify your daughter, I'm sorry, she's dead. I mean, at the moment in the news, there seems to be so much badness of people, I want you to wake up, listen to this and feel blessed that you are able to listen, okay, and this episode is all about trust. The reason why I felt compelled to write this is because I say write this record is what I do. Right? I write it down what I'm going to talk to you about, so I don't just talk about shit. But I wanted to talk about trust. Because over the last couple of weeks, people have questioned trust, I've been questioned about whether I'm trustworthy because of some other bullshit that has been said or done. And then also about how do we trust others? And if we don't, why don't we? So let's first think about what is trust, essentially, trust is a concept that means one person has confidence in another and that they will behave in a great way or honourably to be honest with you. Without trust, it's impossible to be able to rely on anyone else at all. It means having faith in a friend or family members or even stranger, a stranger that they will do the right thing. But we know trust can be broken. And particularly I think it happens in early life where trust is broken, whether it's incest, whether it's you know, a family, especially family members with incest and rape and keeping secrets, you know, when someone lets you down and I have to question sometimes myself how trusting Am I because people get trust mixed up with judgement. It all weaves into one horrible ball and it's not but how trusting Are you boils down to do you often question people's intentions? I do. I really question some people because I don't know. I just feel that there's another agenda sometimes. And I try to trust my gut. And then I get let down and there's someone in my life at the moment. I keep trusting them. But I question so that that manifests itself with not letting myself fully go with them? Because I don't trust them. I think they've got a lot of lip service, but I don't trust them. Do I frequently? Or do you frequently assume the worst about people? No, I don't actually, I really don't. And actually one of my friends is even better at that. One of my friends is even better at this than me where she just sees the good in people. She says listen until someone proves you Otherwise, why would you not trust? Hmm. So I think I have a little bit of hesitancy and then do you assume that others will let you down? Let me see. I do assume sometimes, but most of the time I base it on fact I base it on factor in as much as people have let me down. And do I believe that they can rectify that? Not always because actually, it could be really simple things like someone turning up late. Do you trust that person turn up on time? Oh, because they're always freaking late. So yeah, I do assume sometimes that people will let me down and I'm usually proved right. Do you distance yourself from others to avoid disappointment? No, I don't do that. But check yourself. Do you do that? And the last one I kind of thought about how with how trusting Are you? Do you have a hard time asking other people for help? I do. I read Do Now it's not about trust. I just think I am Tina, big bollocks. And I can do it all by myself. And it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that a friend has said to me you are there for everybody else, whether it's saying happy birthday, whether it's Do you need anything but Tina, when you needed or would have wanted that support, and this was to do with my brain scan,
 
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she said, You don't ask and I'm telling you, I'm reaching out to the village, which is the village of friends and one of us is going to be there for it wasn't that I didn't trust it was that I just get on with it. I'm resilient. I've always had to do things for myself. So I think when we look at how trusting Are you? Or how trusting Am I, you need to really ask yourself those questions. And some people really do have trust issues. Because once you've let them down once which I've done and gone back and apologise to said people or person, they don't trust me again, they're not willing to give you a second chance. And that manifests itself is actually doubting yourself going forward, which is quite sad, really, because we should all be able to trust be let down, move on, start a clean slate. So trust issues, we know that life every single day is dominated by doubt and mistrust. And it does cause difficulties for friends and I living example, plus family members partners, because we expect to be trusted by the person we are concerned about. But often we aren't so mistrust and and doubt causes difficulties with those peoples who expect to be trusted by the person concerned but who aren't excessive mistrust can come about because of a breach of trust in early childhood or its intimate nature. And I've just honed in on that. So let me tell you something back in the day when I was in the care system, and I think I mentioned this in one of my other podcasts, I believe I have a serious mistrust of men. Oh, I did have because my trust was breached by a young boy that attempted at I don't want to say rape. But he attempted and he did expose himself to me. And the way he did it was in a manner that was not good. In a darkened room. Don't Don't Don't tell anybody. Bla bla bla bla bla, that whole thing I have heard worse. I've heard where people have been raped by someone in the family, they've gone on to create a family themselves. And they may have stayed with that person for years and years and years and years. They don't trust them. They don't trust themselves, which I'm going to come on to, but it's all built from way back when. And I think that is really, really, really scary because we get let down right? And I'll never forget my biggest one was when social services aka the government, the system told me my mom was a prostitute. They told me she didn't really care about me. And she was a hooker, basically, and I believed them. I believed them at the time. And it wasn't until later on in life, adult life. It wasn't true because my mom told me what had happened. The fact of the matter is we go on to trust authority, especially when you're younger, who are you to mistrust someone, you can have doubts, and you can have fear that will manifest itself in other ways, especially with sexual mistrust, where you're afraid of that person if you ever want to know someone's nice or someone's friendly or if you can trust someone, watch your child interact with somebody that they've never seen before and see if they gravitate towards them is a really good barometer. Mistrust issues tend to come to the fore during intimate moments such as sex or when we are with those who we should feel nearest and dearest to because a lot of things come up then because you are giving yourself away this is another thing why say when you get intimate with someone and this is just a fling or whatever you want it for Be careful because you're given away a lot more than your body. Does that make sense? All of this can be helped by psychotherapy and counselling, all of which I've been through, not for trust but just to help navigate through some barriers in life. And I feel really blessed because at the end of the day, when a counsellor sits there, they are totally impartial. They listen to you talk, you can talk about anything I've actually got a friend I've said to them, you need to go to counselling, you have got a lot of shit to unravel that people are scared to do that they will keep going through life because they don't want to work on themselves and they think everything's cool but you see it come out in other ways. For example, and I'm going off the going off the topic a little bit here. But I want to say to all of those people that are in relationships, marriages and they don't hang out with their girlfriends or a bunch of friends or male friends or whatever and just have some damn good fun. So last weekend, hence my voice apart from the Horners kicking in nine girlies went to love Supremes aren't going to bang on and on about it because we booked it from last year and I wasn't looking forward to it because the lineup is a jazz soul funk festival in a lovely area in the UK called Brighton. I wasn't looking forward to it because the lineups in quite Scheidt and we paid a lot of money and a friend of mine kept saying to me Tina, once you get there with the girls, you'll enjoy it. It'd be fun and I couldn't get my head around it and I was been so busy. I hadn't even had time. To think about it, and guess what, the morning when I was packing my car with my staff and the girls turned up, some were coming down with me in the car, some were going on the train, that's when the fun began. And you know, we laughed, we cried. And we really did cry, there was some emotional shit going on in our team of friends or group of friends, team of friends. Well, we were we were a team, actually. But in our group of friends, and we allowed ourselves that space, we trusted each other to tell intimate things, funny things, emotional things, and cry in love with it. And you know what, people, it was so good for my soul, it was so good for their soul. So much so that in our WhatsApp group, we haven't stopped talking about it. And we got back on Monday, we're all so tired from it. But it was a beautiful experience. And what I learned from that is, sometimes we need to come out of the realm of what we do on a day to day at home, whether it's with someone without someone and get together with a bunch of friends, because we didn't all know each other. So it was a gamble. We had to trust I had to trust because I brought these people together. And it was absolutely fantastic. So if you haven't done it, and you don't do it, and I'm talking about this, some people I know listen to my podcast, who have come into my life in the last five years, and you've got your family and you've got this get away with a different bunch of people, even if it's for a day or weekend, or whatever it is, because you may see things slightly differently outside of your normal every day
 
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stuff. How many of you say I don't trust them? How often do we say I don't trust Jamelia because of x, or you don't even have a reason is it based on fat or a gut feeling? If you thought this, you are probably struggling with trust issues, I've had that but actually I'm quite trusting. If I'm honest, I bring people into my life, I don't really think about it, I just take them at face value, which is what we should do until we're proven otherwise. But trust doesn't just involve believing that others are reliable. It means making yourself a bit vulnerable and believing that others will live up to your expectations and act with good intentions. And that is where the problem lies. We don't give people a chance. And I think we need to start doing that because you need to live because actually you contain yourself by not trusting others. And it's funny, I've been out with people before. And you see when you meet somebody and those that you gravitate towards, and those that just seemed a bit standoffish. They don't trust you, they don't trust who you are, they're not going to trust you in your house, they're not going to trust to have a conversation with you. They don't trust themselves to let them steal, oh, they don't trust themselves to let themselves go is a big ask. And not everyone is prepared or willing to make themselves vulnerable, because you are being vulnerable when you are trying to trust somebody else. And then reasons not to trust people. Research suggests that a lack of trust is often caused by social experiences. And I totally get that from relationships with family members and peers. For example, I think that in my earlier childhood, I had to try and trust the system that was bringing me up hence this podcast came about my life, not yours because my life was controlled by the system who I trusted, and who constantly lied. And let me down. So that has gone into my later life in terms of I depend on myself, which goes back to my earlier point, do I often ask for help. Maybe it's all linked. You know, even though I was adamant when I was talking about that point earlier, maybe it is all linked. And as much as I don't trust because I've been let down. So I just do for me. And I know that if I let myself down, that's fine. But people in general definitely adjust their degree of social trust based on their experiences and interactions. And as a child, particularly life events can impact how much you trust others, I know that my level of trust is changed a lot. And I work on it all the time. Like I work on myself, and the reasons why you may not trust some of which I've said is child experiences. Mine was you know, the social workers. But listen to the latest one why people don't trust best, especially institutions. Government is COVID Our government in this country came up with some serious shit. We were confined we were held in our homes, we couldn't do anything. People sat in front of their televisions, their radios, and listen, they watched as the government spewed quite a lot of bullshit to us. And we sat there like dummies listening because nobody has ever experienced something a global pandemic like that before. They haven't. So they just trusted what we were hearing and yet the leader of our government was doing his own thing. You know, it's all coming out now. But remember, we were in a vulnerable situation. We had no choice. It would only be a few and people now call them conspiracy theorists, theories, theorists, I can't say it but the conspiracy theories that were rumbling around probably were true. Now when we look at it. So how will that affect you in the future? If the government said to you, the world is going to end in 28 days live your best life? Would you trust them? That's a really hard question. I know but think Think about it, because it could happen. You have got 28 days to live, the government said climate change is going to set the earth on fire. You have 28 days to live your best life. What would you do other reasons why people don't trust him that was very extreme, by the way. But let me tell you something, the way things are going at the moment, I wouldn't be surprised if something came out. Bullying and rejection are another reasons why people don't trust they don't trust somebody who gets close to them who actually just wants to bully them or reject them. That's another thing for me rejection, I have had issues with rejection that came from childhood. So one of the big things for me, when I went to my first grammar school, my only grammar school actually I went to loads of primary schools, I wondered in adult life, why I kept getting rejected by people my behaviour or something. I went to counselling, they regressed me back to my childhood. And we went through loads of things and they said, you know, what's your first day at school, like in secondary school? Now, at this point, I was in a children's home, I've made it into the local Grammar School, which was a massive, massive achievement. And guess what, nobody from that home, none of the carers would take me from my first day I got there. And the whole of the first year had parents with them or carers, whoever it was that brought them I was there on my own. And I was the only black child in four massive groups of young 11 year olds, I sat on this bench on my own right there, I've been rejected by the carers, and I've been abandoned. And you know what this is followed me all the way into adulthood. So if a behaviour of mine has not been savoury, for example, I've treated what a so called friend in a bad way, not in a bad way, but there's behaviours I haven't been able to pick up from my childhood. And I've thought, you know, I haven't been able to act well with a friend. So rather than tell me about their behaviour, they've just rejected me, I take that to heart, I feel that rejection, I don't understand what's happened because no one said, you know, Tinder, the way you spoke to me was out of order, or whatever it is, my behaviour wasn't savoury for a friendship, and then I've been rejected. And then with men, particularly, I stay with men, when I should have just ditched their backside from day one, because I didn't want to be rejected. And I don't like to be rejected, and I didn't want to be abandoned. Do you see what I'm saying, I have worked so much on myself, I know exactly what's going on. Now. I can accept rejection, if it comes. And I deal with it better, because I actually took outside help to make me understand why I was being rejected. And why I took it so bad. Listen, when a friend back in the day used to reject me as a friend do you know, it would stay with me for months and months and months and months and months. And even if I knew I was at fault, and I could rectify it, it still would save me now, if it's not my fault that I've been rejected, I just let it go. And if it is my fault, I accept it. I may write to them, I may apologise. And then I let it go. And it was interesting. I listen to this motivational speech at a client conference a couple of days ago by this rugby player. And there's one rugby team in the world that had this 24 Hour Rule, oh, maybe it was an individual, I need to get his presentation. Actually, it was brilliant, 24 Hour Rule, win or lose, you have 24 hours to deal with that emotion. And I think that's a really good 124 hours to deal with that emotion. So if you've lost the rugby game, you're feeling shit, you think it was your fault, you have 24 hours to compute work over then the after 24 hours is done. And I'm talking 24 hours and one minute you're you've moved on. And you know what I'm going to start applying that because I'm always looking for new ways to improve and to work harder on myself. So think about the 24 hour rule where somebody may have upset you or you've had an amazing achievement. It's not just about negativity, it's about anything 24 hours you have got, and then you move on, then you might get another 24 hours or something. So for me, you know, the effect of not trusting people becomes harder to put your faith in people in the future, if you don't trust trust issues could also hurt you in the long run because they prevent you from connecting with others. And that's so true. This is what I'm talking about. I'm quite a sociable person. But I've met people who have basically said to me, I can't trust again, whether they've been hurt in the workplace, they find it harder to go on and do anything outside of that in terms of trust. And there is a solution. There is a solution, which is therapy, which in itself is not a dirty word. I'm giving you the licence to go and get some therapy should you need it. So how do we build trust in ourselves? Or how do you build trust in yourself because this is really, really important. In fact, it's key before trusting others when you get to adult life, even if there have been negative moments from earlier life and the ways to build that is to be yourself. If you fear how others will look at you or judge you. You might find it difficult to be yourself around other people acting like a different person than who you really are is a sign that you're lacking self confidence and trust in yourself. I call that that chameleon thing I can turn into a bit of chameleon but I do own my own self if that makes sense. I own my truth. I
 
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Be Me, I may be a bit more quiet around certain people. But bottom line is I'm me. When you start to feel insecure around others, it may not be just about shyness, which you know, that's why I mentioned the word insecure. Remind yourself that it's okay to just be you just be in the background, just just be present. And start by practising being around people that you feel comfortable with, with others friends, close family member, it could be somebody from work and be mindful, if you start to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, and keep spending time with these people to release those insecure feelings a little bit. It's gonna take time, it's a journey, but they will start to disappear. And once you can be yourself around other people, they will treat you with more trust, because listen, I've been in conversations where people said, have you seen Watson and she's been a bit weird. And yeah, that'd be weird. Because they either don't want to be there or whatever. If you don't want to be there, then just don't be there. But this helps build up trust in yourself to just be you. I do hate this. I did this workshop the other day, called Build a life of purpose. I absolutely loved it. I did it for the house, St. Barnabas, which is a member's club I'm a member of but I was doing it for some trainees that are trying to get themselves back into work, haven't been displaced or homeless for whatever reason. It was a really powerful workshop. And I am thinking of running this for the wider community as it were, I you and putting things like this in trust and building this life of purpose. Because there's a lot of people that haven't built a life of purpose. And one of the things that's aligned with trust is setting reasonable goals. The reason why I say reasonable if they aren't reasonable and you fail, you reduce your confidence and ability to trust yourself that you can do something. So reasonable goal is I will climb Ben Nevis. Is that reasonable if you hate walking, if you hate exercise, but if you said I will walk to the shops that are more than 10 minutes away, rather than take my car, is that reasonable? I think it is. And for all those that don't know Ben Nevers, it's a massive mountain in Scotland in Great Britain. Another one to build trust in yourself is to be kind to yourself. Sometimes we can be so self, I don't know what the word is. We just beat ourselves up all the time. Be kind to yourself, praise yourself is something goes well, and I did this the other day, because I'd helped to write a presentation for somebody. And I could have said, Oh, God that went wrong, that that wasn't really good. But I thought no, it went really well. Fuck it. It went really well. I haven't swore for a long time on here because a friend pulled me up on it on my podcast. So sorry, but I felt great. I thought no, Tina, you did a good job. And actually the results of which of working with this client are coming out twofold. So yeah, I'll give him a little rah rah muscle, build on your own strengths, build on your strengths, build, build, build, everyone is better at some things, and worse at others, you probably have a good idea of what things you excel at, and which things you don't, don't concentrate on. I can't ride that bike concentrate, but I can skate like a badass. Trust yourself. Or trusting yourself means being able to attempt to do all kinds of things without judgement, judging yourself too harshly. I mean, to build on the strengths and have a go at everything. And don't worry, if you fail, somebody's invented, invented, someone's invited me to a paint and sip, you have some alcohol and you paint. Listen, I've never done anything like that in my life, but I'm gonna give it a go. Because I'm gonna have a laugh. And if you're looking to build trust in yourself, it can be helpful to do more of the things that you're good at, and less of the things that you aren't great at now. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to paint someone and drink a glass of Prosecco at the same time, but I'll give it a go. And if not, I'll stick to writing or something which I'm a little bit better at. But you know, that's a bit of fun. I think that's probably not a great example. But you get my drift. If you're not sure what you're good at, ask the people closest to you. They will tell you their say to you, Tina, you're really good at communicating. Do you think you should do some public speaking or Tina, you're really good at motivating people with exercise and you write great programmes? Can't you do more of that? Do you get my drift? Do you know where I'm going with this conversation? Okay. I also think and I'm very good at this spending time with myself. Listen, it's now Friday. I'm recording this podcast. I will release it in time for your Monday. It'd be the last one for a while but I can't wait for this weekend. I spent three days around women for this love supreme festival. It was great. We laughed. We cried. The only time I got to myself was in the toilet when I was having a shower. And when I went to sleep, that's a lot of time for me to be around people because I do love myself. I do love being in my own company today. I'm literally counting down the hours when I've got to interact with somebody else. I'm going to do a celebrity interview today for this podcast and then I may have to go and do some shopping and go for a walk. That's it people my phone is going on aeroplane mode. When you don't trust yourself. You might feel uncomfortable spending time looking inward and being with yourself. You try to keep yourself busy all day or try and get involved in activity Two years old, pick up the phone and say to your girl or your guy, what you're doing, I want to be out, I want to do this. You know what? I'm not really into that I just get on and do me be decisive. We lack trust in ourselves. When we question our actions or decisions, I have to say, when it comes to tests or exams, that's where I don't trust myself. I'm not gonna lie, because if it's a multiple choice question, I can't make that decision. So that's a trust thing, trusting my gut, I've learned to get better at but when it comes to certain things, I am totally shite. Sometimes we even questioned who we are and why we are here. And sometimes that goes really deep to the point where people will take their own lives, please don't, everybody's here for a reason. And everybody has the right to be on this earth until they are proven otherwise, or they prove the society that they shouldn't be. And there are some horrible people out there. I mean, at the moment, I just feel a little bit the sun shining today, it's going to be one of the hottest days in the UK again, and all we hear is bad news on the news. It is just bad news all around. And there's some of these people that are doing stuff like the woman that drove in to those kids. I mean, they think she had a medical incident. And I do hope you know, it wasn't like an epileptic fit or something. Oh, I hope it was a medical thing. But bottom line is someone's died from it. But there are other people like I read this story the other day about it had to be in the States. I'm sorry for the guys who are in the States. But you know, a guy that got a nine year old pregnant, are you taking the piss? You got a nine year gone down for double life? How would you build your trust in anyone after that's happened? I'd want to be questioning who I am. Why am I here? If someone did that to me, but you need to build trust in yourself by breaking your habit of questioning your decisions. Next time you make a choice, stick with it. Even if it turns out to be the worst choice or not the best choice, there's no point beating yourself up about it because it's a decision you've made right there. And then the best you can do is to learn from your mistake, believe that you'll make a better choice next time and move on. Now some people don't have a choice right about decisions that they've taken. But there is always a choice. Doing so will help you learn to be more trusting of yourself and your decision making skills. So in summary, trusting yourself is one of the most helpful things you can do for you in your life. It can help build your confidence, allow others to trust you more and make the process of decision making much easier to trust yourself. All you need is to make a little effort create self love and find the ability to look forward and inward. So my people as I've said I need to recharge my podcast storytelling battery, so I'm going to take a little break but if you haven't listened to all my episodes go right back to the beginning because I have produced 71 of them. There's some fab new content in the pipeline and I'll be back in September. If you haven't subscribed please do if you haven't told your friends about me please share my podcast I will keep promoting it on my Instagram channel. So check it out there my life not yours with Tina Jean, tell people about it. If you enjoy listening to me whether you're in bed in your car on a wall or cooking Lucy's ladle shatter usually when she's preparing her veg, she listens to me droning on, she has been one of my most avid listeners, and I thank her a lot as a couple of other people. Listen, a podcast is not for everybody. But I think sometimes the voice which I'm being told I have a nice voice can mean quite a lot. And I hope that some of my content reaches you and is powerful in a way that other forms of media can't reach you. And with that, I'm going to wish you a blessed two months. Take a break. Look after yourself. Work on yourself. And I'll see you back in September with my 72nd Episode people. Thanks and take care