Dear diary

It’s been a challenging couple of weeks that’s been full of surprises. Something a little different by way of a diary entry to share my thoughts, hump days and general life stuff. 

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Transcript

E70 - dear diary

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

bit, friend, thought, people, eye, scan, licence, blisters, walking, realise, eyelid, work, good, feel, linkedin, road, consultant, lung, june, dress

Hey 
What's up beautiful people. Thanks for tuning in to another episode of my life not yours. Wow, I just thought I would do this episode, which is number 70 on a bit of a diary take and the reason being something happened to me today, Monday, the fifth of June where I'd heard about a friend who had passed, and it was somebody from my world of athletics who I liked a lot and had only seen three to four months ago, I found it really quite distressing, if I'm honest with you. And I think I need to really look at issues around death still. But my point in my moral of telling you that was we really do need to live life like it is absolutely going to be our last day. And that's easier said than done, because I certainly don't Sometimes I wake up, I don't want to do anything or it's feels like it's all work and no play. So I don't know, if I'm brutally honest, I cried some serious tears, I cried some serious tears. And another thing that I felt today is I went for my MRI scan, which I told you in my thank you episode just before this one, and I have to say it's Monday, and I get the results on Friday. So how am I going to feel about it or I'm starting to get a bit anxious. It's really busy with a client and work but you know what, I'm just gonna deal with it. I'm just gonna deal with it. I know it's a brain scan, next scan, lung, chest, scan, all I can be is grateful for today. And like any of you we need to live, I need to live I need to look at and see when I step outside my door, a world that is living and not hanging around, and that I need to be part of that whole thing. If that makes sense to you. I did think about booking another holiday today. So I've already booked one, which I'm ticked off my little bucket list because I have this little screensaver on my phone, which gives me my mini kind of goals that I want to achieve. And it's really good because when your phone goes into look, you can see what's on there. And for example, on this screen, look, I've got life partner I've got I want this shared workshop, I've got monetize of this podcast that you keep looking into or listening to rather I've got join a cycling group tick that is done. Learn the keyboard. As I said to you, I have visions, I see myself on stage playing keyboard and harmonising and singing with a group recreational Of course not to make a big but I look at that. And I saw also on this mood board today go to Gambia and Senegal Well, I am not going to see but I am going to speak to a friend about it this weekend and say should we look something in for the winter because it's not very far away people it's not very far away. And so today that really concludes my Monday and I'll be back tomorrow to tell you what Tuesday brings but I've done my gratitude for the day and I'm grateful I'm grateful that I've woken up because my friend Will you may you please do so rest in eternal voice

Oh my goodness, I've woken up totally invigorated to start my day I got into my meditation at half past five and with gratitude and a healthy dose of exercise. I wonder what you do to boost your day remember yesterday I talked about a friend dying I felt a bit low and I also think about the alcoholics or drug addicts the those who sleep rough or sofa serve for the umpteenth night in a row. I've got a lot to be grateful for. But what do you do to boost your day? What do you do to start your day? Some people may say, Oh, don't worry about all of that. I just have a cup of coffee and I see what the day brings not sure if that's enough for me, I need to have a little bit of a plan. I'll tell you when my plan starts today. Obviously the meditation but the night before I already set an intention, even if it is I'm going to exercise and I'm going to do this particular exercise, whether it's go to gym, go on the road or whatever, and I've realised it really works for me. Anyway, that was just my thought for today because I'm feeling super, super invigorated. I may not feel like that later on when I go into the client's office and it's just it is quite full on to be honest with you. business mentor, I believe that we all need one and I asked somebody today if they would Help Me and be a bit of a mentor because I need to make some really tough decisions based on the current climate. I love working for myself but I realise I need some stability I can't keep chasing. The other thing I thought about is when you set up your own business it's so different if you are setting up a service based offering and it's very clean cut to a product based offering and for example, I'm gonna give her a shout out Lucy's ladles a friend of mine Thank you Lucy for being on my podcast and well done you three years you started looses ladles, and you've just gone from strength to freakin strength you are an inspiration to so many people. And especially me because you've got an offering, which is soups, salads, and now snacks you've you know, you've built that into retreats, you cater for you invested in your business by spending a lot of money on a catering course. And you're probably making that back to fold if not monetarily satisfaction wise. I just think it's great. Now me on the other hand, I do marketing and I think a lot of people don't understand that wishy washy, what is it? How do you market a business? And so I've made the decision to actually maybe go into a full time contract with somebody and what I will do is only work maybe four days a week perhaps and see where that gets me because I think there's certain things I want to land all the time that get like getting paid for bank holidays, and I think this bank holiday was tough man in May in the UK, we had four bank holidays, I don't get paid for those everybody else does. So you kind of enjoy it a little bit more. And I spoke to somebody who said they will be my business mentor and they said you know what? Teen I think it's a really good idea. So that's been a good decision made today. I think also I can be a very planned person. So a friend must have messaged me at 830 this morning. I'm recording this in the evening and said I know it's a bit spontaneous and a little bit late teen but you want to do drinks and halfway through the morning rather than go back and say yes, and then cancel which I'm very good at used to be very good at I've changed that. Now I got back to her and I thought I need to just go and have some fun. And it was so nice because I hadn't seen it for so long. And I was able to offload granted a lot of people can't just do that spontaneous get together. But I loved it and had such a lovely time with her and it made me feel really good. But how do you feel about getting those impromptu invites? Is it something whereby if you've got a partner in a family have to go back and check and see what's on the agenda for that evening or if your wife or husband or partner or whatever they are says you know, we can't do that because of x in a way I'm blessed sometimes for singledom because I can make those decisions and I was feeling tired but I thought just to do it. What cracked me up though when I'm going to meet my friend it's June in the UK as it is everywhere and it's still not that warm. I think in the daytime we get blasts of it but you leave out in the morning like I do about eight o'clock in the morning to go and get a train on two days of the week and it's cold man is still chilly. I'm I saw this woman today in this dress that was around her backside. Nothing else down below that legs 11 In the middle of the day and I thought Are you not cold? It was nothing to do that she was It was nothing to do with her being scantily clad. He was about the coldness. Anyway, it's great. The other thing that's been really good today is having a confidant working alongside me. There's this other consultant working with me on this particular job. And I didn't realise how invaluable it was. He's got more experience than I and it is a godsend. It really is a godsend. It's interesting, who do you turn to if you're in a nine to five because you know, work can play a big part of most people's lives that has done with mine and I have this guy who's great and we can have a little chat and it just feels fabulous and freelancing or contracting or working for myself whichever way you want to cut. It has made me realise it can be a lonely freakin place, especially if you are coming home to yourself as well. So you work by yourself. There's no partner and loads of people do it. But I don't know if everybody owns their truth on that particular note. So today, people it's now eight o'clock, I'm going to chill because I went out for a quick drink because I need a quick one. I'm home already and I'm feeling great and with a little bit of a nibble and a gossip and so forth. I feel fabulous. It's Tara for Tuesday the sixth of verges

My gosh, today really was a little bit special. It's Wednesday the seventh of June and I've been working at my home away from home aka The has a St. Barnabas my member's club which you know, I told you aligns with my values and as much as caring and hoping, hoping helping other people because it's helps people who have been homeless and I'm trying to get back on track. And I got really excited working in there today I got in there at the crack of dawn, I had been dreaming about it the night before, which is really weird for me that I have these dreams when I've got to do something because I was bringing a colleague into to work with me the same guy that I told you about the consultant and I thought I want to get in there and want to get a good seat. And it was a fabulous day and I wore this really great dress peeps. It was amazing. So much so that I was getting stopped on the street and saying lovely dress. It was pink, it was yellow. It was orange, a little bit of sky blue. It was bright and bold from Brighton bought bright and bold from never fully dressed and I loved it. And then I had a lovely lunch with Mark Robinson, who has been interviewed on my podcast because he set up prison radio and you know he's 71 is absolutely fantastic in terms of how he sees himself in life and what he does with it. And going back to how I felt on Monday with a friend who had died. I thought you know what I actually really want to be like Mark and just be busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. He's an all round fabulous guy. But again, the weather today has been so cantankerous chilly, mourns blistering, well, maybe not actually pretty hot ish afternoons and then chilly evening. So when I leave the house in the morning, I've really had to think about don't forget the jacket. Now it is Wednesday, and it's two days before my scan results. And I'm beginning to feel a little bit anxious. So guess what, it's nine o'clock when I'm recording this. So I'm going to sign off right now. And I'm going to do some tapping meditations to get my cortisol levels down, which is the hormone I believe that creates the anxiety because I need to sleep properly. Sleep tight, everybody. And I'll be back tomorrow, which is Thursday, or in one day for my scan.

I'm not gonna lie. It's Thursday, the eighth of June. And I've had a completely sleepless night last night thinking about my scam results. This somewhere deep in my soul. I know I'm going to be okay. But then I'm battling with Are you going to be okay?

Are you really, really, really going to be okay, wow,

 it's a bit of an anomaly for me at the moment because you're going in to have a scan on your brain and you don't know what's going to come out. So suffice to say, I was absolutely bloody knackered in work, I could barely keep my eyes open. And I really did think about what the outcome could be. But I guess we can't predict that until we get to it. Yeah, I'm feeling a little bit like that today. I'm really tired. And then I had a thought about LinkedIn, which is a professional social media channel, which most people know I think I thought could be the next dating forum, the new dating forum. And I say that because there's a guy that reached out to me on LinkedIn, who I happen to see on dating sites, and I thought, oh, gosh, the world is so small, please, why'd you want to speak to me? And actually, it is a totally totally valid reason. But that was a bit of a weird one. But that made me laugh. I do actually like LinkedIn, I realise seeing what people are doing. There's some people are quite narcissistic about what they say do and big up themselves. But on the whole, LinkedIn is really good. And so if you haven't got a LinkedIn profile, and especially if you run your own business, you never know who's gonna pick it up because this person wants a marketing consultancy. So just as I'm thinking about going into do X, Y, and Zed, they may want me to do some work for them. So that's cool. I ended the date. Now check this out. I wore these new pair of super gras canvas shoes with a nice outfit today. No socks, not half cut socks. Oh my god. I don't do blisters. I don't get blisters. And guess what peeps I got blisters. I thought having a headache was bad. But I realise walking around with a blister is no fun. I had to speak to reception because I was in the client's office again today. And so have you got any blissed up any plasters thank goodness because I was meeting a friend after work and I must admit I was wasn't feeling it and then I was feeling it because it was really sunny again, put the blisters sorry put the glasses on, everything was revealed. This is really tedious, but I'm just giving you my diary. Anyway went to meet this friend for a drink went to a beautiful hotel called the Hoxton had a few cocktails have a bit of a nibble deep chat. And really truly I wanted to find a terrace in London. But it ain't easy in London when it's hot, everybody in their mothers to had some drinks, and then got a train home. Now this is where women we need to really check it you know, when we're coming home from places because I felt really good. But I was on the train. The journey is only about I don't know, 90 minutes. I didn't park my car at the station. And to be fair, I had been drinking so it wouldn't have been a great idea. And walking back home, which the walk from the station is pretty safe, you know, lit roads and takes under 10 minutes for me to walk it well. I did have some blisters on my feet. But I'm walking I can hear this. Behind me to go on a skateboard older guy, you know, I'd say mid 30s. And he went into the off licence to buy something and so did I some chewing gum I want to but they didn't even have any chewing gum. So I stepped back out and this guy's behind me and he comes up by the side and he starts walking. He's not on his skateboard. He's carrying it with two cans of lager and he says to me, Oh, hi, if you had a beautiful day, and I say yes, cool, thank you. And I said, what about you? I'm just in a nice spirit. I'm not even thinking. Okay, so then he says, You know, I decided I needed a day off today I work on a building site in Shoreditch, which is in East London, which has got a lot of history for those outside the UK. And so I've been working on it since January, which for a builder is quite good to get a long job like that, especially after lockdown or during lockdown when literally these people had no money coming in because nothing was being built. And then buildings have been left unfinished. And now it seems to be all resumed again. Anyway. So he says to me is a builder, what do you do? I said, I do a bit of marketing. And I always know the response. People don't know what the hell it is. And then he says he's walking quite close to me at this point, which started to make me feel a bit uncomfortable. And he says, God, you're really beautiful. I'd love to kiss you. And I went, Whoa, I stepped away from him. Now he was a little bit drunk, I think on something just a little bit. Nothing mad. But the way he said it made me feel uncomfortable. And I just said, Oh, he said, I'm kind of sorry, can I carry on? I said, Well, that's not going to happen. And he said, I'll kind of carry on speaking to you. So I'm walking. Now I'm looking left, right and thinking, Where can I go? That's not obvious. I'm about six minutes from my house. He's talking and I'm just feeling really uncomfortable now because he said that and I thought I've got to do something. So I said, Look, I just live over there. I pointed to the other side of the road, which I don't live and I said so I'm just gonna cross over the road. To be fair, he didn't follow or keep watching me to see where I was going. He just kept going. But I just want to message to women, especially younger women, or any woman actually in London. Yes, we should be empowered to go anywhere. Dress how we like and do anything. The reality is that guy could have been very innocent, we could have been really bad now the road was quite busy I was on so I wouldn't have had any problems like running into the road screaming or whatever. But it's sad that why would you say that to a lone woman walking on her own and that uncomfortable feeling that I got and here's a joke right? I walked really slowly on the opposite side of the road. He wasn't particularly walking that fast and he's obviously a little bit drunk or been on something and I see him go into another off licence a little bit further down because our roads so fucking posh, we got loads of bloody off licences on it, which is for those who don't know, in America, the liquor store in the UK and off licence is they sell booze and they're so confectionery crisps and whatever else they throw in the mix, and some of them are open till about half 1011 o'clock, which is when our licencing laws usually go to 11 o'clock at night. Anyway, he goes with this off law since he can walk it at no, he goes into this off licence, I thought, let me speed up and get to my house. So I get inside my house and there was a big sense of relief. I put my bags down to my coat off and think right let me put the bins out because we've got the big men coming the next day and just sunk and put the bin out. I see him coming up the road past my house. So I quickly slammed the door, then ran to my front room window to have a look to see if he passed and he passed but can you imagine and actually he didn't even look behind so that was my first day drama and women ladies, let's be safe when you're coming home from somewhere. Don't take it for granted when you say I've walked this route Any time because actually what I usually do is drive to the station and drive myself home and monitor my drink just so that and the drive is would take four minutes, but I'm sorry, I'm not going to let that happen again. And I didn't do an impromptu go out that night. This one was planned. So I was a bit stupid roll on tomorrow. It's nearly half past nine when I'm recording this now. And I'm starting to feel really anxious about tomorrow. But I've got a lovely friend who's coming with me who I hope will hear things that I may not hear if it's bad news piece.

Oh my god, it's Friday, the ninth of June, my last entry for this podcast episode, I thought about my scan results. If I'm honest, I got up this morning quite late. I was so tired, got the train went to the specialist. I hospital, my friend, she's a darling Tracy, who said she come and support me because sometimes if we receive news, or they're telling us information we don't hear, we just hear whatever we want to hear. We got there at 10 o'clock. And we started making jokes in the waiting room because there weren't many people in there. We got there early. And then I was summoned to see the nurse who took my pressure for my eyes. And at this point, I'm not feeling scared actually, because I've got my friend with me. I think it's my way of dealing with some potential news. I don't know what that news is gonna look like because I just seem to be really in high spirits. But it was nice to have somebody there with me, I then get called in by the consultant. And he was like the nutty professor. He was so cool from Germany, or Poland or Austria, and he has some trainees with him. But he said just to let you know, I'm not the eye consultant. I'm a Brain consultant. And because I was in the department of neuropathy, and I must admit, when I heard that, I just thought, oh God, even though I saw neurology, so neuropathy, neurology, but I'm going mad. It's been a long day, it's been a long day. Anyway, he sat me down, he went through some bits. And he said, I've got your scans, but I just want to do some tests. And he was talking to the student as well, which I found really nice. And I just sat there and my friend was brilliant, because she was asking questions. And I have so much respect for these people. I mean, seriously, they were doing algebra and mathematics to calculate my eyelid depth from my pupil. It was insane. So what pisses me off in this country is that our doctors are not paid enough, or any medical staff and for the knowledge that they go through, and I've got this guy who's like God in front of me, I just I get overwhelmed. And this was why it was really good for me to have somebody with me, because it's happened before, I'm so overwhelmed with their knowledge, etc, etc. I just feel that I shouldn't ask them anything, because they are God. And actually, that's not the case. So what happened is, then he said, like scan results, he said, let me just read the report. So he's reading through the report, he said, brain, this time, my friends holding my hand, because just to say what we thought the problem was the nerve that goes from my eye ran to the back of the brain, up through the shoulder down through the back up through the chest, up through the neck across the lungs, or this kind of pallava. It's an awkward nerve. So when he said brain clear, it's almost like you're winning that game prize. When they give you that result, it was insane. Then he said, right, let's move down to the neck to see if you've had a stroke. And we can't and it's come out by the eye because my eye by the way, sorry, I forgot to say has been a bit droopy. And you can see it and there is a word for it called SOS ptosis PT s o r s i s plus, they'd already mentioned that I might have Horners syndrome, which is where the nerve is blocked, and therefore is not making the eye open neck clear. It's almost like a friend and I wanted to jump then he got to the lung or the clavicle, which is the front part of your chest high above just below your neck. And he said have you smoked before? And I said yes. When I was younger, have you this have you that which side you wear your seatbelt on? I said we're we're in this country is the right hand side. It's the left hand side of my face. That wasn't that I said, but there is a bit of pain in this area. So I think I have got something trapped in there, which I need to but he said it's all clear. So basically, the scan that took an hour in this horrible cylinder is an MRI scan. There are no underlying conditions. And let me tell you something when the doctor said to me that is that we wanted to punch the air and he said, however, cosmetically now do you want to get that addressed in terms of your eyelids? I said yes, please. So it was really cool because he's dictating a letter into his dictaphone, saying I have diagnosed that it is to stop, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, stop. I just Oh my God, it was like as part of this movie, and I realised how stressed I'd been, I realised how stressed I've been because when I came out of there with my friend, I kind of shed a little tear. And she hugged me and said, Tina, when he mentioned cancer on the lung, could it be that and then he tests er, something else? And he said, No, it's not that he was so thorough right down to does it feel dry? underneath your eyes, sometimes on the skin? I said, Yes. He said, Okay, it's wholeness. He just knew exactly what it was. And my next stage now is to look at cosmetic surgery on my eye, which apparently is painless. So they say, I'm an eye freak, and to get my eyelid lifted back up, and he recommended some nose drops my nose because it was blocked up on that side. In a nutshell, people your Hell do not take it for granted. This just came out of the blue seven weeks ago, and I thought it was to do with hay fever, and that there was an infection or something. I've got this syndrome. But what was interesting, actually, is that the nurse that was taking the pressure of my eyes before I saw God, aka consultant had said she has got cataracts. And the reason why she told us because when she was looking at stuff on a computer, I said, Girl, do you want me to read what's on the screen for you and put the data in and she laughed, and she said, I woke up three weeks ago, and I couldn't barely see so the cataracts of the lens in the eye but can fail and so many people have it and it's known particularly in older people, and she said she can't even get prescription glasses until they deal with the cataract problem because there's no point and it made me give thanks again. It made me made me give Fang my message again, your health is your wealth. Look after yourselves. I'm not saying this was the most dynamic of podcasts. But I did want to do this one as a diary, because today was big for me and I've exhaled. I took my friend for lunch. It was blistering hot most of the day. I'm finishing off this podcast, and I'm gonna go and have a glass of wine and celebrate the weekend and wait for the next letter to come that says Tina, can you come in and we'll do a consultation for your eyelid on that my beautiful people keep listening. Keep dreaming, keep focused, take care of yourself until the next time